October 29, 2012- Monday
I had an appointment Friday (10/26/2012) and they removed my last drain- yay! I have been drain free for three days now. My antibiotics were done Saturday, so no antibiotics for two days now. I will update- hopefully tomorrow when the first drain was removed Wednesday, and I still need to update what happened the day after surgery. I need to do it soon as some of it is slipping my memory already. I will get to it.
My main frustration right now is HAVING to rest and limit what I do with my arms. I got lectured Friday by the doctor for using my arm too much, because my drain still had so much "liquid"- now that I don't have the drains anymore, I need to really be careful with my arms or risk swelling. I also got a call from a nurse Friday that confirmed the surgeon took out three of my lymph nodes from my right side and four lymph nodes from my left side. The good news is they both tested negative, so the cancer was NOT invasive and I am breast cancer free! The bad news is I am at risk still for lymphodema on both arms (lifetime permanent arm swelling and pain), and I have a few years to wait before I'm in the clear (will be in day after surgery update info). Anyway, with the knowledge that I have to rest my arms and that I should do everything to avoid infection or swelling because that would increase my risk of lymphodema (stress my lymph nodes), I have had the hard HARD frustrating task of just walking around and not being able to do things for myself like lift anything heavy or clean and organize my room- drive my car- carry Rafiki! I am so frustrated, because I still have to rely on my parents when I want so badly to just do everything already, because I feel like I can, but I can't. This recovery process is harder than I expected, and not because I'm in much pain, but because it goes against everything in me to have to rely on others for simple things like washing the dishes or doing laundry and putting away things etc. Sucks.
I stopped the pain meds, but I'm tempted to take a couple vicodene's tonight just to get me to sleep through the night and out of my mind so I don't feel healthy mentally and can just lay in bed most of the day. Maybe. Maybe not. I'll let you know how it goes in my next blog. Right now, I am feeling better. The main things of concern are my right nipple looks dead to me, and so I am hoping and praying it heals soon and shows some blood flow and I don't have it fall off on me- OMG! what a horrible experience that would be. Doctor said she would follow up next week. I am so grateful I have something to replace my boobs, but don't get too excited people, I have serious scars, but I guess I won't know the final product until it all heals completely. Right now, I feel like a project from one of those horror films where the killer sews body parts together after butchering his victims. My scars and my nipples look gross like that, right now. I'm not complaining though, because it could always be worse, I think my plastic surgeon did an amazing job, but this is no normal boob job, this is "make the best of the situation and get cancer out job." The least worse of the other bad alternative options. I am lucky and blessed. I imagine when I'm completely healed, I will definitely look "normal" clothed. It's the naked part that will take some getting use to. It's a good thing I wasn't a fan of myself naked to begin with, so not much trauma there- lol! Just sayin....The strap my plastic surgeon has me wearing to keep my right implant down (apparently, it's too high) feels like it has cut off the blood circulation not only to my nipples which need it but between the bottom half and top half of my body and my arms (which need the circulation to avoid lymphodema), so I am frustrated by this damn band (which I will blog about later having been a mistake apparently after sugery)-- I think it's reaching a close point of me having boob implants that are too high or lymphodema-- I have until Wednesday to take the band off, I think I can last until then. Otherwise, I will just have high boobs, because this sucker hurts. It's making me itchy and sore and my arms feel like they're not getting circulation, not to mention my poor dying looking right nipple. I have not been blogging, because I was resting my arms (right after removing the drains as I am more prone to swelling without the drains), but I think I'm better now, and will continue to update the blog tomorrow. I can feel my incisions on my breast sometimes, and they still hurt too. I'm nervous that I'm not on the antibiotics anymore. I cannot afford any infection. I have been bad and still walk around and occasionally go to the "dog room" or the patio and have rafiki sit on me. I can't help it. I miss my baby. *sigh* I just need to be careful and not go out at night, because I sat outside the other night and then went in to get the information about lymphodema to read and as I was reading one of the things to avoid is insect bites (increases use of my leftover lymph nodes to fight off possible infections causing stress to them and possible lymphodema). By then, three mosquitos already had their dinner on my arms and legs. Oops!
So everyone, I am healing excellently! I have never needed any assistance using the toilet (Thank God!), and only needed assistance during my first shower after surgery (not counting combing my hair which I still needed after then). The main thing right now is disciplining my brain to remember that I am still healing and I cannot and should not attempt to live and do all that I normally would. I just don't like this feeling of helplessness. But every day I am stronger and I will continue to try to be good to my body and get through this with a positive attitude and humor.
“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.”
― Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace
trying to be a strong warrior, but the irony of my life now is time feels like it's both too fast and too slow... too slow, because I feel like it's taking forever to recovery fully (like I'm wasting so much time), and too fast, because I have to go back to work soon, and I haven't done everything I would have liked to have done with this time off (organize my house, medical bills, paper work, because I can't physically do it)... *sigh* so let's just say the warrior in me is mediocre right now-- I lack patience and feel like I don't have time... *sigh*
BUT I do KNOW that in the end, I rather feel this way now and discipline myself and feel frustrated NOW, rather than not listen and do more than I should to regret later with an infection and lifetime of lymphodema... I know this, but it doesn't let it suck any less... just sayin....
Goodnight or good morning or good afternoon anonymous readers out there.
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