Three more days....... I can't lie, I'm afraid.
Work has been keeping me busy, and so I have been distracted. That's good and bad. I caught myself thinking a lot today about what it would be like if I died Thursday. What a fucken horrible thing to endure! lol! I'm laughing now, but seriously, this damn thought has been crossing my mind. It's freaking me out and I do not like it. My mom came with my dad today to pick me up from work (my dad has been dropping me off everyday since they came, because I don't want them stranded at home all day). They came from doing some shopping, which I was happy to hear about, because mom has been couped up in the house all day cleaning and cooking since they came, so I was happy to hear she went and did something she enjoyed.
I think we are all pretty exhausted. I try very hard not to cry at home, because I don't want to worry them- but it's getting harder. I'm scared. I know they are too. sucks. On the way home, mom says, "It's getting closer to your surgery date, and I'm feeling worried, and I'm not even the one having surgery." I responded, "I know. I'm really afraid I'm going to die, because I never thought that a possibility before, but now I've been thinking a lot about it." My mom immediately responds, "No. I KNOW you will NOT die, but I'm just worried 4 hour surgery is a long time, and it's that time that scares me." My dad contributes that the anesthesiologist is what would kill you. Thanks, Dad! lol! I have to laugh, you all have to laugh with me as we are all serious during this conversation about how the anesthesiologist or an infection would kill me- ha!ha!
The way this conversation really started was because my cousin's in-laws who have included me into their family since moving to Arizona left me a message to call her mother in law. I called her while in the car on the way home from work. She tells me she heard about my surgery Thursday and just wanted to send their prayers and love my way. I thank her. She says she's with her aunt who also wants to speak to me. She gets on the phone and also sends her best wishes for me and I can tell is taken aback by my decision to have a double mastectomy, but she said she heard I made the decision quick and I must know what I want. I said yes. She then proceeds to ask if she can give her brother my phone number as he also wants to speak to me. I remember this brother giving me advice about Casper (my dog) when he had cancer. He was very informative about alternative medicines etc, which I found fine for my dog. I explained of course he can call but I probably won't be able to speak to him as I am very busy and the surgery is soon, so he can leave a voicemail. She says ok, so he can just leave a message then, because "he has some advice he wants to give you." I IMMEDIATELY say, "OH! no, if he wants to give me advice, please tell him not to call me, I welcome all prayers and positive thoughts, but no thank you to any advice." She laughs, and I laugh, because I am keeping it REAL. They are a good nice family, and I know they care about me, but I also do NOT need advice about alternative options or "better" options two days before my scheduled double mastectomy. SERIOUSLY! I was diagnosed on September 4th-- it is now October 15th, more than a month has passed with this cancer growing inside me. I AM SO SURE OF MY DECISION.
I will not be stressed or change my mind if I learn about new information; I just am not open to new information anymore. The information seeking chapter has been closed since I kept overdue breast cancer books from the Scottsdale public library (speaking of, I need to pay that fine-lol!). Library CLOSED, but gift shop OPEN-lol! I will take all prayers and positive well wishes and I take them all with the deepest gratitude. You may think you don't know how to tell me you hope the best for me or will be praying for me Thursday, because we have drifted apart maybe, we never really speak, we just met, or I don't even know you, but you heard about me-- believe me when I tell you- it all counts to me, ALL OF IT. It's always good to know I am not alone, and that people freaken CARE. As my aunty screamed the other day when she was telling me a story, "WE CARE, DAMMIT! Even if we don't know the person and the person dies, we are sad, because WE CARE!" OMG! You have to meet her, she's hysterical- I laughed so super HARD when she was telling me her story. It's funny, because I was one of those "not caring" type of people. The type that if I don't know you, I really don't care. But my aunt is from a different stock. She takes everything to heart and CARES all the time about everyone. Those type of people I use to think were strange, but now I have a new respect for them, and I am always amazed when I meet new people who genuinely show they care about me because I might die from breast cancer even though they know nothing else about me. That amazes me. I thought it would be weird, but the weird part for me is that I appreciate those people and I appreciate their concern. I might be an "I CARE" person after this whole cancer journey-- knocked some of the New Yorker out of me! OK, I won't go that far, but anything is possible- after all, New York knocked out the islander-lol!
The contradiction to the "I care" story is since having breast cancer, nothing much moves me. I find more things petty and unimportant. But hysterical nonetheless. I've definitely developed my warped sense of humor to being more warped-lol! I can't help it-- there is humor in everything! I catch myself getting frustrated sometimes, but not as much as I normally would before the cancer. It's funny, it almost makes me less empathetic, which is a bad thing (or at least I'm told it is bad-still not convinced-ha!ha!). If I'm feeling moody, I just separate myself from people, because I'm a bad moody person. I've been both hysterical and moody-- probably nothing new for those who have always known me, but I'm noticing it a lot more now. I need to catch myself sometimes, because the world does not stop for anyone-- even when we die, life goes on for the rest of those still living. I was reminded of this harsh reality with the sudden death of my godsister a little over two weeks ago...
My friend and college roommate messaged me earlier tonight sending her positive thoughts and prayers. I told her I am scared, but I'm looking forward to getting this cancer out. I told her I'm drinking (as has been the common routine lately since my dad goes bazerk everytime he comes to the mainland, because there are so many varieties of beer so we get practically a couple of each to sample them all- it's great! lol!). She responds she'll have a glass of wine with me. I told her she gives me too much class, I'm drinking Trader Jose beer imported from Mexico -lol! She tells me I'm a classy beer drinking chica! lol! gotta love us! ha!ha! This beer is pretty good. It came from Trader Joe's (hence the Trader Jose, duh!-lol!), and everyone knows Trader Joes only sells healthy non cancerous products- ha!ha!!! I might have had one too many, so excuse this if it has lost more direction than usual.
I am filled with mixed emotions. In 10 minutes it will be tomorrow already-- a day closer to possibly waking up after surgery with no nipples. Shit! I use to be concerned about that, but that's probably 5th on my worry list. My worry list right now is 1. not dying, 2. no lymphodema on either of my arms, 3. cancer has not become invasive, 4. no infection, and 5. nipples. sucks. I'm kind of mad that I even care about nipples, seems so superficial of me, because they are really not essential-- but I think I would honestly freak myself out if I had boobs without nipples. *sigh* I can already imagine when I return to work everyone will be wondering if I have nipples- lol! No worries, I will blog about that too-- why the hell not at this point- ha!ha! I need to start back to living the best I can and get this fear of possible death out of my head, off my radar and nowhere near my state of mind.. I will NOT die!
“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt, You Learn by Living: Eleven Keys for a More Fulfilling Life
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