October 23, 2012- Tuesday
"Lynn, you'll be fine....get healthy first and life will move on from there...god has a plan." - fellow old soul
My friend texted me this last night after I was sulking in certain fears and realizations about my new reality. I wrote back grateful for him and acknowledged that I am BLESSED and lucky and I really have nothing to complain about- EVER. I have been given the gift of never having to worry about breast cancer again or the side effects of "treatments" had I opted for lumpectomy instead. Everything else is superficial and does not matter. I know this, and I know life goes on. I am grateful for this gift of a new beginning. I am. I've never felt more loved and supported by everyone. My scars will be badges of all that is beautiful in my life-- a reminder of the truly unbelievable, humbling love and support from so many near and far, the doing away with what was trying to kill me, the outsmarting it by being done with it one time AND still maintaining some physical aspect of my personal "womanliness" with the reconstruction and I kept my nipples!--Take that, Cancer! Yes, my scars will be MY personal reminder of this triumph and all the beautiful people in my life! Yes, it will be this TO ME. A poignant reminder for me in this journey we call life.... There are a multitude of reasons beyond this of why I am so blessed and grateful, and please don't ever think that I am not-- I AM. Sometimes, however, I catch myself roaming in the land of self doubt and fear for my future and this new path that has been forcefully laid before me.
The path I have no doubt is bright, because I choose it to be so. I am excited for it. But I've been watching too many chick flicks while resting in bed all day, and the loneliness has crept in. I need to find a young AND single breast cancer survivor support group or over thirty and single support group (this might not have anything to do with the cancer)- ha!ha! I want to meet other younger breast cancer survivor women who didn't have a husband and/or significant other with her through this. I'm not sure she exists. I'm so grateful and lucky that I have both my parents here to help me through this all (and my cousins clare and naomi). It makes me feel young again, and in the breast cancer world, apparently, I am a young one :) I think tomorrow I will watch the movie 300 instead (doesn't seem very chick flickish, and my brother tried to get me to watch it while he was here last March) maybe I'll be in warrior mode then, or call a few people in miserable relationships to remind me how lucky I am that I get to do whatever I want-- sometimes I want a man by my side but then I want him to disappear when I want him to too- lol! ha!ha! I LOVE LIFE. I will live it in full whether alone or with someone who makes me feel like I'm in a chick flick ;) For now, I need to heed the advice of my friend--- I need to get healthy first, and life will move on and trust God has a plan for me-- trust that I will make the right decisions and not be hindered by this "comma" in my life, but instead fueled to be a kinder and life loving human being....
Big day tomorrow! I have an 8:15AM appointment to hopefully have these darn drain tubes removed from my sides. I do not get grossed out easily, but these suckers GROSS me out, so it's really GROSS! I feel extra pain just looking at them- lol! I am excited to have them removed, but also dreading it a little, because they have to pull them out while I'm conscious!! ugh!!! Kind of like the catheter, but that had a natural opening (just sayin...) lol! I still have to blog about that experience. If my brain is in gear tomorrow I will update with day 2 after surgery. It was a good one :) Goodnight world-- or Goodmorning-- whenever or wherever you are reading this from.... slightly high from pain meds and too many chick flicks, lynn :)
Update: I watched 300 later that day, and all it did was make me want a 6 pack Spartan man to make me his queen! buwhahaha! So much for the no chick flick plan- lol!
No comments:
Post a Comment