“I won't tell you that the world matters nothing, or the
world's voice, or the voice of society. They matter a good deal. They matter
far too much. But there are moments when one has to choose between living one's
own life, fully, entirely, completely—or dragging out some false, shallow,
degrading existence that the world in its hypocrisy demands. You have that
moment now. Choose!”
― Oscar Wilde
It's only past midnight, so it's still September 30th to me. If you read my last blog, it explains my options. I am confident with the choice I have made. I decided to have the double mastectomy with reconstruction simultaneously at Mayo, and I will be calling the doctors at both CTCA and Mayo to let them know and get my surgery scheduled asap after confirming insurance coverage. I will cancel the MRI. The other positive thing about Mayo is I signed forms that will give my cancerous tissue for research to help other women in the future- kind of a side benefit, to feel like I am also playing a role in helping fight this disease. This is my decision, please respect it.
Other updates: My parents should be here by Friday. I will be surrounded by family, and I won't be alone. This week was much longer than I had originally thought during my last appointment last week Tuesday. On Friday morning, I received news from home that my god-sister had died tragically, suddenly, and without explanation. She had just turned 32. It has been a difficult and exhausting weekend for me and my family (those here in Arizona with me and those in Saipan). Having cancer has definitely given me a new lens on life, but the sudden and tragic circumstances of my god-sister's death makes you realize that life is so precious, and that it doesn't matter whether you have cancer or not-- we do not know when anybody's time will end on earth. We really don't...
Tell your family and friends you love them. Nobody knows what struggles each person may be enduring. Cancer is my struggle now, but I plan on surviving. I never saw any other option. I'm fighting this, and I appreciate so much everyone's support-- I could never do it alone. Perspective is everything. I have kept a light-heartedness about my cancer. I know I am blessed and super fortunate for catching it so early, for having insurance, an understanding and supportive employer, and family and friends that love me so much- this cancer has most likely caused them more stress than it has me. I know this. That said, I am also freaking out still and have other mental issues to work through with this decision. I am confident it is the right and best thing for me and my future. It still sucks, but I think it sucks less than my alternatives. I am strong. I don't want to repeat my reasons and options over and over (hence this blog), so please don't ask me to. I will be as normal as possible and I continue to live life as it has not paused to wait for me and this damn cancer.
I am functional and try to be as normal as possible, but I am also human, so please know yes, I am terrified. Terrified of the surgery, the outcome, the possibility of cancer becoming invasive, of lymphodema, of infection, of making sure my family is comfortable, of being competent at work, of having enough time for anything and everything, of being judged, of life after surgery. I'm a little fucken terrified, but I will not show it to you, because I cannot go down that path of negativity and fear. It exists in me, and I will deal with it if necessary. For now, I choose to be positive and not fall apart. Please help me not fall apart by treating me normal, but also being a little patient with me. I haven't been sleeping well and I'm close to falling apart, but I choose to laugh and I may also choose to be alone sometimes. It's a hard thing I'm trying to figure out. I had done everything I could the first weeks of my diagnosis to make sure I had plans practically everyday hanging with someone or doing something, going out. It was too hard to be home alone with my fear and sadness, so yes, I don't want to be alone or to go through this alone. That said, I know I need alone time too when I feel like escaping this reality. It has been difficult trying to balance the two and figure out what works best for me.
Right now, I guess I just need to sleep. Goodnight....
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