10/08/2012- Operation double mastectomy confirmed

Monday- October 8, 2012

I have a lot to blog about, but no energy right now.... I promise to update soon.  Last night through today has been emotionally and physically EXHAUSTING!  But I just want to post this blog to let everyone know my surgery date was officially confirmed today, after my three appointments at the Mayo Clinic.  

Please send positive thoughts and keep me and my two surgeons in your prayers.  Ten days from today- Thursday, October 18, 2012-- I will be having a double mastectomy with simultaneous reconstruction.  My surgeons will be Dr. Gray (surgical oncologist) and Dr. Bash (plastic surgeon).  I am told it will be a minimum of 4 hours in surgery, and at least one overnight stay at the hospital, possibly two.  It's official and will happen.... 

Today, I think is the first day I felt sadness.  I am suddenly fearful about the surgery, but I know it must be done and it is the best decision for me.  I do NOT regret my decision.  I trust my doctors.  I'm just not sure about the outcome as there are still many unknowns and possibilities.  It's a weird feeling that I did not think I would have.  For the FIRST time, I have accepted and realize the possibility that I might die next week.  Shit!  That sucks!  Just sayin... lol!  I think I feel this way, because this is how I felt when I received my cancer diagnosis.  Deep down I honestly believed my test results would come back negative,  but it didn't.  I have cancer.  I never imagined I would.  Now, I never imagined dying or complications, so the result of having cancer has shaken my core and cracked my foundation.  Although I am hopeful, my faith is weak.  I need prayer for this to change....

This is serious surgery.  I am scared.  Fear has always loomed within me, but this time I also feel sadness.  I'm beginning to mourn the loss of life as I know it.  I look forward to living my life without this dreaded disease we call breast cancer, but I mourn losing my life before cancer-- my body before surgery.  Mentally, I have had time to try to deal with this new reality-- this physical change, however, will make it more real and in my face daily for the rest of my life.  As weird as that may sound because I already have cancer-- being physically deformed, losing my two breasts in ten days brings forward new fears and an unfamiliar sadness for the future that lies ahead of me.  Please pray for me....

“I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.” 
― Woody Allen