October 29, 2012- Monday
I had an appointment Friday (10/26/2012) and they removed my last drain- yay! I have been drain free for three days now. My antibiotics were done Saturday, so no antibiotics for two days now. I will update- hopefully tomorrow when the first drain was removed Wednesday, and I still need to update what happened the day after surgery. I need to do it soon as some of it is slipping my memory already. I will get to it.
My main frustration right now is HAVING to rest and limit what I do with my arms. I got lectured Friday by the doctor for using my arm too much, because my drain still had so much "liquid"- now that I don't have the drains anymore, I need to really be careful with my arms or risk swelling. I also got a call from a nurse Friday that confirmed the surgeon took out three of my lymph nodes from my right side and four lymph nodes from my left side. The good news is they both tested negative, so the cancer was NOT invasive and I am breast cancer free! The bad news is I am at risk still for lymphodema on both arms (lifetime permanent arm swelling and pain), and I have a few years to wait before I'm in the clear (will be in day after surgery update info). Anyway, with the knowledge that I have to rest my arms and that I should do everything to avoid infection or swelling because that would increase my risk of lymphodema (stress my lymph nodes), I have had the hard HARD frustrating task of just walking around and not being able to do things for myself like lift anything heavy or clean and organize my room- drive my car- carry Rafiki! I am so frustrated, because I still have to rely on my parents when I want so badly to just do everything already, because I feel like I can, but I can't. This recovery process is harder than I expected, and not because I'm in much pain, but because it goes against everything in me to have to rely on others for simple things like washing the dishes or doing laundry and putting away things etc. Sucks.
I stopped the pain meds, but I'm tempted to take a couple vicodene's tonight just to get me to sleep through the night and out of my mind so I don't feel healthy mentally and can just lay in bed most of the day. Maybe. Maybe not. I'll let you know how it goes in my next blog. Right now, I am feeling better. The main things of concern are my right nipple looks dead to me, and so I am hoping and praying it heals soon and shows some blood flow and I don't have it fall off on me- OMG! what a horrible experience that would be. Doctor said she would follow up next week. I am so grateful I have something to replace my boobs, but don't get too excited people, I have serious scars, but I guess I won't know the final product until it all heals completely. Right now, I feel like a project from one of those horror films where the killer sews body parts together after butchering his victims. My scars and my nipples look gross like that, right now. I'm not complaining though, because it could always be worse, I think my plastic surgeon did an amazing job, but this is no normal boob job, this is "make the best of the situation and get cancer out job." The least worse of the other bad alternative options. I am lucky and blessed. I imagine when I'm completely healed, I will definitely look "normal" clothed. It's the naked part that will take some getting use to. It's a good thing I wasn't a fan of myself naked to begin with, so not much trauma there- lol! Just sayin....The strap my plastic surgeon has me wearing to keep my right implant down (apparently, it's too high) feels like it has cut off the blood circulation not only to my nipples which need it but between the bottom half and top half of my body and my arms (which need the circulation to avoid lymphodema), so I am frustrated by this damn band (which I will blog about later having been a mistake apparently after sugery)-- I think it's reaching a close point of me having boob implants that are too high or lymphodema-- I have until Wednesday to take the band off, I think I can last until then. Otherwise, I will just have high boobs, because this sucker hurts. It's making me itchy and sore and my arms feel like they're not getting circulation, not to mention my poor dying looking right nipple. I have not been blogging, because I was resting my arms (right after removing the drains as I am more prone to swelling without the drains), but I think I'm better now, and will continue to update the blog tomorrow. I can feel my incisions on my breast sometimes, and they still hurt too. I'm nervous that I'm not on the antibiotics anymore. I cannot afford any infection. I have been bad and still walk around and occasionally go to the "dog room" or the patio and have rafiki sit on me. I can't help it. I miss my baby. *sigh* I just need to be careful and not go out at night, because I sat outside the other night and then went in to get the information about lymphodema to read and as I was reading one of the things to avoid is insect bites (increases use of my leftover lymph nodes to fight off possible infections causing stress to them and possible lymphodema). By then, three mosquitos already had their dinner on my arms and legs. Oops!
So everyone, I am healing excellently! I have never needed any assistance using the toilet (Thank God!), and only needed assistance during my first shower after surgery (not counting combing my hair which I still needed after then). The main thing right now is disciplining my brain to remember that I am still healing and I cannot and should not attempt to live and do all that I normally would. I just don't like this feeling of helplessness. But every day I am stronger and I will continue to try to be good to my body and get through this with a positive attitude and humor.
“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.”
― Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace
trying to be a strong warrior, but the irony of my life now is time feels like it's both too fast and too slow... too slow, because I feel like it's taking forever to recovery fully (like I'm wasting so much time), and too fast, because I have to go back to work soon, and I haven't done everything I would have liked to have done with this time off (organize my house, medical bills, paper work, because I can't physically do it)... *sigh* so let's just say the warrior in me is mediocre right now-- I lack patience and feel like I don't have time... *sigh*
BUT I do KNOW that in the end, I rather feel this way now and discipline myself and feel frustrated NOW, rather than not listen and do more than I should to regret later with an infection and lifetime of lymphodema... I know this, but it doesn't let it suck any less... just sayin....
Goodnight or good morning or good afternoon anonymous readers out there.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
10/23/2012- Tuesday- back to the emotional check
October 23, 2012- Tuesday
"Lynn, you'll be fine....get healthy first and life will move on from there...god has a plan." - fellow old soul
My friend texted me this last night after I was sulking in certain fears and realizations about my new reality. I wrote back grateful for him and acknowledged that I am BLESSED and lucky and I really have nothing to complain about- EVER. I have been given the gift of never having to worry about breast cancer again or the side effects of "treatments" had I opted for lumpectomy instead. Everything else is superficial and does not matter. I know this, and I know life goes on. I am grateful for this gift of a new beginning. I am. I've never felt more loved and supported by everyone. My scars will be badges of all that is beautiful in my life-- a reminder of the truly unbelievable, humbling love and support from so many near and far, the doing away with what was trying to kill me, the outsmarting it by being done with it one time AND still maintaining some physical aspect of my personal "womanliness" with the reconstruction and I kept my nipples!--Take that, Cancer! Yes, my scars will be MY personal reminder of this triumph and all the beautiful people in my life! Yes, it will be this TO ME. A poignant reminder for me in this journey we call life.... There are a multitude of reasons beyond this of why I am so blessed and grateful, and please don't ever think that I am not-- I AM. Sometimes, however, I catch myself roaming in the land of self doubt and fear for my future and this new path that has been forcefully laid before me.
The path I have no doubt is bright, because I choose it to be so. I am excited for it. But I've been watching too many chick flicks while resting in bed all day, and the loneliness has crept in. I need to find a young AND single breast cancer survivor support group or over thirty and single support group (this might not have anything to do with the cancer)- ha!ha! I want to meet other younger breast cancer survivor women who didn't have a husband and/or significant other with her through this. I'm not sure she exists. I'm so grateful and lucky that I have both my parents here to help me through this all (and my cousins clare and naomi). It makes me feel young again, and in the breast cancer world, apparently, I am a young one :) I think tomorrow I will watch the movie 300 instead (doesn't seem very chick flickish, and my brother tried to get me to watch it while he was here last March) maybe I'll be in warrior mode then, or call a few people in miserable relationships to remind me how lucky I am that I get to do whatever I want-- sometimes I want a man by my side but then I want him to disappear when I want him to too- lol! ha!ha! I LOVE LIFE. I will live it in full whether alone or with someone who makes me feel like I'm in a chick flick ;) For now, I need to heed the advice of my friend--- I need to get healthy first, and life will move on and trust God has a plan for me-- trust that I will make the right decisions and not be hindered by this "comma" in my life, but instead fueled to be a kinder and life loving human being....
Big day tomorrow! I have an 8:15AM appointment to hopefully have these darn drain tubes removed from my sides. I do not get grossed out easily, but these suckers GROSS me out, so it's really GROSS! I feel extra pain just looking at them- lol! I am excited to have them removed, but also dreading it a little, because they have to pull them out while I'm conscious!! ugh!!! Kind of like the catheter, but that had a natural opening (just sayin...) lol! I still have to blog about that experience. If my brain is in gear tomorrow I will update with day 2 after surgery. It was a good one :) Goodnight world-- or Goodmorning-- whenever or wherever you are reading this from.... slightly high from pain meds and too many chick flicks, lynn :)
Update: I watched 300 later that day, and all it did was make me want a 6 pack Spartan man to make me his queen! buwhahaha! So much for the no chick flick plan- lol!
"Lynn, you'll be fine....get healthy first and life will move on from there...god has a plan." - fellow old soul
My friend texted me this last night after I was sulking in certain fears and realizations about my new reality. I wrote back grateful for him and acknowledged that I am BLESSED and lucky and I really have nothing to complain about- EVER. I have been given the gift of never having to worry about breast cancer again or the side effects of "treatments" had I opted for lumpectomy instead. Everything else is superficial and does not matter. I know this, and I know life goes on. I am grateful for this gift of a new beginning. I am. I've never felt more loved and supported by everyone. My scars will be badges of all that is beautiful in my life-- a reminder of the truly unbelievable, humbling love and support from so many near and far, the doing away with what was trying to kill me, the outsmarting it by being done with it one time AND still maintaining some physical aspect of my personal "womanliness" with the reconstruction and I kept my nipples!--Take that, Cancer! Yes, my scars will be MY personal reminder of this triumph and all the beautiful people in my life! Yes, it will be this TO ME. A poignant reminder for me in this journey we call life.... There are a multitude of reasons beyond this of why I am so blessed and grateful, and please don't ever think that I am not-- I AM. Sometimes, however, I catch myself roaming in the land of self doubt and fear for my future and this new path that has been forcefully laid before me.
The path I have no doubt is bright, because I choose it to be so. I am excited for it. But I've been watching too many chick flicks while resting in bed all day, and the loneliness has crept in. I need to find a young AND single breast cancer survivor support group or over thirty and single support group (this might not have anything to do with the cancer)- ha!ha! I want to meet other younger breast cancer survivor women who didn't have a husband and/or significant other with her through this. I'm not sure she exists. I'm so grateful and lucky that I have both my parents here to help me through this all (and my cousins clare and naomi). It makes me feel young again, and in the breast cancer world, apparently, I am a young one :) I think tomorrow I will watch the movie 300 instead (doesn't seem very chick flickish, and my brother tried to get me to watch it while he was here last March) maybe I'll be in warrior mode then, or call a few people in miserable relationships to remind me how lucky I am that I get to do whatever I want-- sometimes I want a man by my side but then I want him to disappear when I want him to too- lol! ha!ha! I LOVE LIFE. I will live it in full whether alone or with someone who makes me feel like I'm in a chick flick ;) For now, I need to heed the advice of my friend--- I need to get healthy first, and life will move on and trust God has a plan for me-- trust that I will make the right decisions and not be hindered by this "comma" in my life, but instead fueled to be a kinder and life loving human being....
Big day tomorrow! I have an 8:15AM appointment to hopefully have these darn drain tubes removed from my sides. I do not get grossed out easily, but these suckers GROSS me out, so it's really GROSS! I feel extra pain just looking at them- lol! I am excited to have them removed, but also dreading it a little, because they have to pull them out while I'm conscious!! ugh!!! Kind of like the catheter, but that had a natural opening (just sayin...) lol! I still have to blog about that experience. If my brain is in gear tomorrow I will update with day 2 after surgery. It was a good one :) Goodnight world-- or Goodmorning-- whenever or wherever you are reading this from.... slightly high from pain meds and too many chick flicks, lynn :)
Update: I watched 300 later that day, and all it did was make me want a 6 pack Spartan man to make me his queen! buwhahaha! So much for the no chick flick plan- lol!
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
10/21/2012- not for the sensitive viewer- shower and revelation day...
to be rewritten and updated... draft in progress
I will be updating, but for now, this is how I am at home until they remove these drains (hopefully Wednesday). I have to drain each tube a few times each day and keep track of the amounts coming out. I was so stinky by now, I needed to shower, but did not feel comfortable enough washing my own hair. Mom will not be happy we posted a pic with curlers in her hair, but oh well-- I got tubes coming out me- lol! Sorry Mom, I love you! Cool part is Mom is wearing her mad ninja skills shirt :) We had Derek take pictures while Naomi and Mom washed my hair as I sat outside the bath tub. Then I went and Naomi combed and clipped my hair up as I went and showered my body finally with soap and water and after lotion! Today is the first day I see myself. I can't post all pictures, but here's a few before my first shower. The main incisions are from my nipple toward my armpit. That surgical bra was TIGHT! I use a shoelace around my neck to keep the drains from hanging on the floor or getting pulled out from me (GROSS! Hurts just thinking about it). I'll update this blog later- right now I have a bad headache and actually feel like throwing up so I'm calling it a night. The last few blogs will be happy blog with pictures of everyone's beautiful flowers and gifts. If I didn't thank you yet, please give me some time. I appreciate it all and will get back to you as soon as I can.
drains - right side always has more but left side hurts so much more :( both attached to shoelace around my neck
Left side with drain tube coming out- incision on my left breast from nipple toward armpit- marks on my skin from the gauze and super tight surgical bra
left drain out my side
Right drain out my side- skin looks gross on my back from the gauze stuffing
Prequel 10/18/2012- My perspective...the BIG day
October 18, 2012- Thursday
Day started at 3:45 AM- after just a little over a couple hours of sleep, my alarm wakes me up. I wasn't able to get to bed until after 1AM. I got up, and showered my body in Hibiclens again as instructed by my doctor in preparation for surgery. I brush my teeth, put on my pink ribbon breast cancer granny panty and workout pants and my pink sports bra and pink "I got mad ninja skills T-shirt". Naomi bought a bunch of a similar shirts from Walmart for the women in our family to wear in support. I believe she posted some pictures in her blog updates for me, or I may be confusing it with facebook. Dad and mom are ready (little Joseph spent the night at Aunty Clare's house so both my parents could be at the hospital with me) and we leave and drive to Mayo clinic. We spent the entire day cleaning and prepping the house and dogs and everything the day before, so we are exhausted. Dad and I make fun of mom that she got super dressed up for the hospital- we have fun picking on each other-lol! I can smell her strong perfume that always reminds me of her :). I, on the other hand, smell like nothing as I was not allowed to wear deordorant or lotion or makeup or anything- not even contacts- glasses are on. We get there a little after 5AM (my appointment is at 5:30AM). I notice the sign outside on the hospital building says "NIC" brightly lit, and I was wondering from our practice run the night before what "NIC" meant-- the closer we walked to the building, I realized the "MAYO CLI___" was just burnt out, so it just meant building maintenance was not a priority for Mayo- I hope that's not a reflection of their care for the patients-lol! Just sayin...
I can't recall if mom, dad and I talked about anything significant on the way to the hospital. I don't think we did. Aside from teasing mom for being fancy, I think we were all exhausted, or at least I was. We snapped a few pictures together while waiting at the hospital. I checked in and they offered my parents coffee or water while we waited, but I was still restricted from even water since after midnight. Although not restricted, my parents were on their own voluntary fast and not having any coffee or anything either. The person at the check-in place for surgery gave me a card with my patient confidential number and a chart so that my family can follow me while I'm in surgery by looking at the TV monitors in the hospital for my number.
I was frustrated trying to get facebook to find my location so I could "check-in", and I finally gave up and just made a status update instead. Dad took a couple pictures of me and mom waiting, and then they called me in. I gave mom my cell phone to give to Naomi, because I knew she was coming and would be updating my blog. We had expected already that I would be alone for the pre-operation meeting and then my parents would be able to join after.
I meet a couple nurses and walk into a room. I am weighed and my height is taken. I weighed 123.something pounds this morning. I swear my mom put 10 lbs back on me with all the food she has been feeding me, but apparently not true and just a few extra pounds are on. The nurse then tells me they need a urine sample. I pee'd and showered this morning before I came and was restricted from having any water after midnight, so I wasn't sure I was going to get this done. She said "If you could just give me at least seven drops, that will be fine." OMG! I say OK, and take the cup and probably took a longer time, but was eventually able to give her something in the cup. I gave her the cup, and then she makes sure I have no jewelry or valuables on or with me, and I sign a paper saying I have no valuables with me. She then tells me to get completely naked, even underwear must be off and put on this giant paperlike blue gown, and then to lay on the bed in the room. She and the other nurse leave me alone. I realize all the blinds on the windows are open and I try to peek out and they look like the windows face somewhere in the hospital. I probably shouldn't care, but single woman living alone for 33 years is paranoid. I make sure that I get undressed and into the robe in a way that I'm not exposed toward the windows- lol! I laugh because God only knows who sees me or what they do to me while I'm under anesthesia, but I just felt better covering myself. They come back and ask a bunch of questions. They hand me white stockings that go to my knees and have a hole in the bottom. The hole is suppose to be under my feet right under my toes and then I'm suppose to place these purple "bear paws" socks over the stockings. I do this. They then put these velcrow pads that run from my ankles to my knees and these fill with air and massage my legs to help prevent blood clots during the surgery. It's freezing too, so they put this tube that attaches to my gown and I can adjust the controls, and it blows warm air in my paper robe so my body is kept warm. (Naomi posted pictures of these in an earlier blog). It turns out the urine was for a pregnancy test. I'm not pregnant- surprise, surprise- NOT! lol!
The younger looking nurse is going to put an ivy in me. I don't even think twice, but she keeps asking the other nurse who is busy with the computer whether she is doing it right and to come help her. By this time, I see a GIANT silver needle halfway in my arm and a plastic thing above it, the other nurse tells her, don't push it too far in, otherwise you will go straight through it. (I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP). I'm thinking WTF!?!?! HELLO! Couldn't you have the first time nurse put an ivy in someone who has a cold and not fucken me who is about to have both boobs cut out and be under for more than 4 hours! REALLY??!! All I see is the GIANT silver needle going further in when the other nurse told her it should be coming out so it doesn't go all the way through. I'm watching and then one asks if I'm ok, and I say yes, but I'm freaking out a bit, it looks like you keep putting it in when she said to pull it out! OMG! THEN, the nurse says, "maybe it's better if you don't watch." HELLO!!! A little too late, McFLY!!! lolol! I'm laughing now, but SERIOUSLY. She finally gets in it and then she explains to me that she has done ivy's before, but she use to work at a different hospital and this was the first time she was doing this kind of ivy. She thanked me for my patience. lol! I still cannot believe that happened to me. She's lucky I'm not afraid of needles or blood. They begin connecting it to the ivy or whatever they were pumping in my veins (anesthesia later) and she said I should feel in cold running through my elbow, and I said yes I feel it. She then responds, then that means it's good, only veins will run through to your elbow. I'm thinking, she was not very assuring or convincing, but at this point whatever.
BUT WAIT! The drama does not end here for me. Nope. She had "consent" forms that I needed to sign before they began surgery. She had one from Dr. Bash (plastic surgeon) and I signed it. She asked what I was having done and who was my surgeon, I explained a double mastectomy and reconstruction by Dr. Gray and Dr. Bash. She then moans that I need to sign a separate consent for Dr. Gray, but she doesn't have one, because they didn't provide it. I'm thinking ok, we'll just get one then. She's not a happy camper (Victoria was her name, I liked her, but she was really tripping and making a scene that morning right in front of me and the rest of the surgical team). Anyway, this time, she's still calm about it. Dr. Bash comes in and she has me stand up and open my gown (facing the open window people that I had earlier apparently uselessly tried to avoid flashing-lol!) and she begins to draw over my boobs and mark the notes they need. I explained that Dr. Grey said he would do the sentinel node biopsy on both sides even though only the left had been diagnosed with DCIS, because I had calcifications on my right too that I did not have biopsied. She marked both sides for the lymph node biopsy. I love Dr. Bash! If any of you met her, you would love her too, so just incredibly there for you and just an overall great spirit about her. My parents were impressed by her too. She leaves off to get some breakfast before my surgery (Lord yes, please go energize and feed yourself is what I'm thinking-lol!). Later, another doctor I had never met before, an asian looking younger woman comes in. I believe her name is Dr. Stekle or something like that. She explains she's with Dr. Gray's team (Surgical oncologist), and the nurse complains to her that the consent paperwork was not made and the orders were not put in for Dr. Gray, so Dr. Stekle puts them in the computer after I explained Dr. Gray said I would have the lymph node biopsy done on both arms. She leaves and then Dr. Gray comes in later and he checks the marks that Dr. Bash had made, and then he explains to me that he will NOT be doing the lymph node biopsy on both sides, but only only on my left side that had DCIS. I was confused, but shit, he's about to be cutting off a couple body parts on me in less than an hour, I'm not trying to complain or argue, so I agree and he hand writes the orders and leaves. A couple anesthesiologists come in and they introduce themselves. I tell them, they are important to me and laugh. My parents and Naomi are allowed in and they visit with me for a few minutes and we hug and take a few pictures and then they leave.
The surgical team is ready to move me, but nurse Victoria won't let them, because the orders are wrong for Dr Gray. She has to page the other doctor to change them. The other doctor put in the computer double sentinel node biopsy and Dr. Gray wrote down single (only my left side). The orders didn't match and so I couldn't sign the consent and nurse Victoria would not let them wheel me out without the consent. It begins to get uncomfortable and the anesthesiologist tries to make me more comfortable talking to me. One asks what I do for a living and I say, I'm the reason you guys are having drama now and not letting me go to surgery without the perfectly matched consent form to the computer form to know what will be done to me- I'm a lawyer, although I don't practice, I work for lawyers. I think I calmed everyone down a little with the fact that I wasn't being made anxious about the right hand not knowing what the left hand was doing delay. I said, it's ok, I understand, it all needs to be done correctly. They assured me they work better together during the surgery- we laughed, I sure as hell hoped so. Finally, they get a doctor to change it, and they wheel me to the operation room which looks and feels like nothing I've ever imagined. It felt more like a big gym room rather than the small operation room I've often seen on TV shows. I don't remember anything between that time and maybe sometime after 5pm. I remember somebody waking me up, and feeling so nauseous, it felt like the worst hangover EVER. Later, I found out it was Dr. Bash who first woke me up. I barely remember her saying everything went great. I remember not crying but being glad I was alive and the recovery nurse checking on me often. She stayed sitting by my bed, but was a blur because I was hung over and I didn't have my eyeglasses! There were only curtains that separated me from other patients in recovery. I could hear them. I was dizzy and felt like complete crap. I moved my leg a little, and then I asked the nurse, "Is there something in my vagina?" She said yes, there's a catheter. I laugh and thank God for two reasons, 1. something was there and the nurse was aware so it was suppose to be there and 2. I don't have to move to use the restroom, because moving my head to look another direction made me feel like wanting to die how nauseated I was. OMG! My older brother explained the hangover feeling the best way, which is exactly how I felt in recovery. It was like my brain was the size of small marble and it was bouncing everywhere like crazy in my head and I was just waiting for it to grow back to normal size and stay still and be normal again. It was that bad, if not worse. I was in recovery a long time (more than 2 hours for sure), but I was a little glad, because I did not want to have to see or talk to anyone, I couldn't. The nurse said she was getting me something for my nausea, but not sure if she ever did. I just wanted to stay asleep. They let my mom in to come and see me while I was in recovery. I don't remember much about talking to her or anything, but just feeling happy I was alive and she was there and also knew I was alive. I can't really remember, but I think it was here where I also asked whether I still had nipples, and they told me yes! It seemed to me like everything went as best it could and I was grateful. Mom went away, and I was left in recovery. Everytime the nurse would say they are cleaning a room for me, and it's ready, something else would happen and hold me longer in recovery. FINALLY, they rolled my bed through elevators and halls to the room that I would be staying in. I was still out of it and in pain. When we reached my room, I had to scoot over to my regular hospital bed from the recovery bed once they placed the bed side by side each other. I don't even know how I did it, but it happened. I had no sense of direction or how I got there or where I was. I just knew I was in a bed in a room where my family could finally come visit me. Not even a few minutes pass and my parents and Naomi and aunty claudia come in the room. I talk with them and am in good spirits. The nurses keep coming in and opening and closing my velcrow bra checking my incisions and whatever else they were checking. It hurt EVERY TIME. My friend Julia comes in shortly after first seeing my family and we all talk and laugh. Aunty Claudia I think had been waiting over three hours with my family. She brought over a huge basket with all kinds of candy and I swear she went to the magazine section in some store and grabbed one of EVERY magazine for that basket-- SERIOUSLY! I have Men's Health, People Style, Oprah, Cosmopolitan, Woman's Garden etc. and some color pencils and a sketch book- lol! I'm not sure how she carried that all from the parking lot, it was a heavy gift basket. Food comes in and I am STARVING! Remember, I feel like I had the worst hangover EVER, I'm thinking some food will help here. I'm excited to eat. They say it's soup and mom starts attempting to spoon feed me, so SLOWLY! I'm frustrated and complain she needs to be faster and they put a straw in the soup and I sucked up what must have been half a cup of broth-- WTF? Don't they remember I haven't eaten ANYTHING since the night before-- Are they trying to kill me with starvation! I WANT FOOD! But they have orders keeping me on a liquid diet, so the torture continues. I tried to eat some of the jello but it burned my throat for some reason.
They bring me lots of graham crackers and salted crackers though, because I keep asking for them. I can't get enough. Dad had stepped out somewhere. The nurse or doctor or I don't know anymore came in to check my boobs again, and they opened my bra and we showed my boobs to mom, Julia, I'm pretty sure aunty claudia was still in there unless Dad was away walking her out, and Naomi. I didn't care. Quite frankly, I hadn't seen them yet until probably just then and still wasn't really able to. They explained the stitches on the outside were liquid and I still had tubes coming out my sides for draining reasons which we have to drain ourselves at home. This is a pic of the drains that first day. I have one tube coming out each side of me, and we need to keep track of the amount of liquid each time we empty the drains. It's so GROSS!
They velcrow me shut again- HURTS every time. My urine is color green from the blue radioactive dye they had to use for the sentinel node biospsy (by the way, Dr. Gray told me the next day he had forgotten about my calcifications on my right when he first went and spoke with me, and by the time he remembered from reviewing my chart before my operation, he said I had already had my "happy juice" so he went ahead and did the lymph node biopsies on BOTH sides. So much for nurse Victoria matching orders- and Dr. Gray is married to an attorney too! lol! Thank God. Now, really no questions about it spreading! I'll update the lymphodema Dr. Gray discussion in the next day blog).
With each changing nurse and doctor, they change the names on the whiteboard in the room so I can keep track. It's a nice size room and the bed is amazing with how it can lift and recline.
A man comes in with a device I'm suppose to use to help prevent pneumonia I remember asking his name, but I forgot it. He teaches me how to use it, and he says a woman my age should be able to get it to 3500-- this time I'm breathing with it at 1500-- I look at him and tell him I have old lady lungs. It catches him off guard and we all laugh.
Finally, everyone except mom leaves. Mom stays the night with me. The nurse this night is very young looking and nice- I believe she was Lindsey (I met two or three Lindseys during my stay). I'm out of it most of the time, and have no reason to leave my bed since I have the catheter. I explained to the nurse that I felt like I needed to pee so something might be wrong with the catheter, but she said everything was fine. I wanted to tell her, my bladder apparently doesn't agree! sheesh! With positioning, I eventually got comfortable again. The nurses come regularly to keep me drugged. In the middle of the night tonight, however, she came in because the machine was screaming that my blood pressure was too low. This time I wake up and I am in IMMENSE PAIN. It's NOT my chest, however, it's my back! The pain is INCREDIBLE! I can't do anything but CRY. Mom comes up to me and nurse comes on the other side. I explain my back pain is killing me. I think I've been laying flat too long and I need to lay on my side or something, but don't think I can because my tubes for my drains on my sides and incisions on my breast. I can't stop crying, and the nurse can't give me a pain med because my blood pressure dropped too low. She says we can try to turn me to my side if that's how I usually sleep to avoid the back pain. We attempt and I roll over to my left side (the most painful side of course) and she slides some pillows behind me. This relieves some of the pain, but not all of it-- BUT it's definitely still better than when I was laying flat on my back. Remember I have been flat on my back for almost 24 hours straight by now, my muscles are mad at me. I try to get comfortable and get some sleep and later they finally give me some drugs and I turn over more frequently. It was a hard and horrible night :( .... Here are some pictures of my room that my cousin Naomi took that night too.
Day started at 3:45 AM- after just a little over a couple hours of sleep, my alarm wakes me up. I wasn't able to get to bed until after 1AM. I got up, and showered my body in Hibiclens again as instructed by my doctor in preparation for surgery. I brush my teeth, put on my pink ribbon breast cancer granny panty and workout pants and my pink sports bra and pink "I got mad ninja skills T-shirt". Naomi bought a bunch of a similar shirts from Walmart for the women in our family to wear in support. I believe she posted some pictures in her blog updates for me, or I may be confusing it with facebook. Dad and mom are ready (little Joseph spent the night at Aunty Clare's house so both my parents could be at the hospital with me) and we leave and drive to Mayo clinic. We spent the entire day cleaning and prepping the house and dogs and everything the day before, so we are exhausted. Dad and I make fun of mom that she got super dressed up for the hospital- we have fun picking on each other-lol! I can smell her strong perfume that always reminds me of her :). I, on the other hand, smell like nothing as I was not allowed to wear deordorant or lotion or makeup or anything- not even contacts- glasses are on. We get there a little after 5AM (my appointment is at 5:30AM). I notice the sign outside on the hospital building says "NIC" brightly lit, and I was wondering from our practice run the night before what "NIC" meant-- the closer we walked to the building, I realized the "MAYO CLI___" was just burnt out, so it just meant building maintenance was not a priority for Mayo- I hope that's not a reflection of their care for the patients-lol! Just sayin...
I can't recall if mom, dad and I talked about anything significant on the way to the hospital. I don't think we did. Aside from teasing mom for being fancy, I think we were all exhausted, or at least I was. We snapped a few pictures together while waiting at the hospital. I checked in and they offered my parents coffee or water while we waited, but I was still restricted from even water since after midnight. Although not restricted, my parents were on their own voluntary fast and not having any coffee or anything either. The person at the check-in place for surgery gave me a card with my patient confidential number and a chart so that my family can follow me while I'm in surgery by looking at the TV monitors in the hospital for my number. I was frustrated trying to get facebook to find my location so I could "check-in", and I finally gave up and just made a status update instead. Dad took a couple pictures of me and mom waiting, and then they called me in. I gave mom my cell phone to give to Naomi, because I knew she was coming and would be updating my blog. We had expected already that I would be alone for the pre-operation meeting and then my parents would be able to join after.
I meet a couple nurses and walk into a room. I am weighed and my height is taken. I weighed 123.something pounds this morning. I swear my mom put 10 lbs back on me with all the food she has been feeding me, but apparently not true and just a few extra pounds are on. The nurse then tells me they need a urine sample. I pee'd and showered this morning before I came and was restricted from having any water after midnight, so I wasn't sure I was going to get this done. She said "If you could just give me at least seven drops, that will be fine." OMG! I say OK, and take the cup and probably took a longer time, but was eventually able to give her something in the cup. I gave her the cup, and then she makes sure I have no jewelry or valuables on or with me, and I sign a paper saying I have no valuables with me. She then tells me to get completely naked, even underwear must be off and put on this giant paperlike blue gown, and then to lay on the bed in the room. She and the other nurse leave me alone. I realize all the blinds on the windows are open and I try to peek out and they look like the windows face somewhere in the hospital. I probably shouldn't care, but single woman living alone for 33 years is paranoid. I make sure that I get undressed and into the robe in a way that I'm not exposed toward the windows- lol! I laugh because God only knows who sees me or what they do to me while I'm under anesthesia, but I just felt better covering myself. They come back and ask a bunch of questions. They hand me white stockings that go to my knees and have a hole in the bottom. The hole is suppose to be under my feet right under my toes and then I'm suppose to place these purple "bear paws" socks over the stockings. I do this. They then put these velcrow pads that run from my ankles to my knees and these fill with air and massage my legs to help prevent blood clots during the surgery. It's freezing too, so they put this tube that attaches to my gown and I can adjust the controls, and it blows warm air in my paper robe so my body is kept warm. (Naomi posted pictures of these in an earlier blog). It turns out the urine was for a pregnancy test. I'm not pregnant- surprise, surprise- NOT! lol!
The younger looking nurse is going to put an ivy in me. I don't even think twice, but she keeps asking the other nurse who is busy with the computer whether she is doing it right and to come help her. By this time, I see a GIANT silver needle halfway in my arm and a plastic thing above it, the other nurse tells her, don't push it too far in, otherwise you will go straight through it. (I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP). I'm thinking WTF!?!?! HELLO! Couldn't you have the first time nurse put an ivy in someone who has a cold and not fucken me who is about to have both boobs cut out and be under for more than 4 hours! REALLY??!! All I see is the GIANT silver needle going further in when the other nurse told her it should be coming out so it doesn't go all the way through. I'm watching and then one asks if I'm ok, and I say yes, but I'm freaking out a bit, it looks like you keep putting it in when she said to pull it out! OMG! THEN, the nurse says, "maybe it's better if you don't watch." HELLO!!! A little too late, McFLY!!! lolol! I'm laughing now, but SERIOUSLY. She finally gets in it and then she explains to me that she has done ivy's before, but she use to work at a different hospital and this was the first time she was doing this kind of ivy. She thanked me for my patience. lol! I still cannot believe that happened to me. She's lucky I'm not afraid of needles or blood. They begin connecting it to the ivy or whatever they were pumping in my veins (anesthesia later) and she said I should feel in cold running through my elbow, and I said yes I feel it. She then responds, then that means it's good, only veins will run through to your elbow. I'm thinking, she was not very assuring or convincing, but at this point whatever.
BUT WAIT! The drama does not end here for me. Nope. She had "consent" forms that I needed to sign before they began surgery. She had one from Dr. Bash (plastic surgeon) and I signed it. She asked what I was having done and who was my surgeon, I explained a double mastectomy and reconstruction by Dr. Gray and Dr. Bash. She then moans that I need to sign a separate consent for Dr. Gray, but she doesn't have one, because they didn't provide it. I'm thinking ok, we'll just get one then. She's not a happy camper (Victoria was her name, I liked her, but she was really tripping and making a scene that morning right in front of me and the rest of the surgical team). Anyway, this time, she's still calm about it. Dr. Bash comes in and she has me stand up and open my gown (facing the open window people that I had earlier apparently uselessly tried to avoid flashing-lol!) and she begins to draw over my boobs and mark the notes they need. I explained that Dr. Grey said he would do the sentinel node biopsy on both sides even though only the left had been diagnosed with DCIS, because I had calcifications on my right too that I did not have biopsied. She marked both sides for the lymph node biopsy. I love Dr. Bash! If any of you met her, you would love her too, so just incredibly there for you and just an overall great spirit about her. My parents were impressed by her too. She leaves off to get some breakfast before my surgery (Lord yes, please go energize and feed yourself is what I'm thinking-lol!). Later, another doctor I had never met before, an asian looking younger woman comes in. I believe her name is Dr. Stekle or something like that. She explains she's with Dr. Gray's team (Surgical oncologist), and the nurse complains to her that the consent paperwork was not made and the orders were not put in for Dr. Gray, so Dr. Stekle puts them in the computer after I explained Dr. Gray said I would have the lymph node biopsy done on both arms. She leaves and then Dr. Gray comes in later and he checks the marks that Dr. Bash had made, and then he explains to me that he will NOT be doing the lymph node biopsy on both sides, but only only on my left side that had DCIS. I was confused, but shit, he's about to be cutting off a couple body parts on me in less than an hour, I'm not trying to complain or argue, so I agree and he hand writes the orders and leaves. A couple anesthesiologists come in and they introduce themselves. I tell them, they are important to me and laugh. My parents and Naomi are allowed in and they visit with me for a few minutes and we hug and take a few pictures and then they leave.
The surgical team is ready to move me, but nurse Victoria won't let them, because the orders are wrong for Dr Gray. She has to page the other doctor to change them. The other doctor put in the computer double sentinel node biopsy and Dr. Gray wrote down single (only my left side). The orders didn't match and so I couldn't sign the consent and nurse Victoria would not let them wheel me out without the consent. It begins to get uncomfortable and the anesthesiologist tries to make me more comfortable talking to me. One asks what I do for a living and I say, I'm the reason you guys are having drama now and not letting me go to surgery without the perfectly matched consent form to the computer form to know what will be done to me- I'm a lawyer, although I don't practice, I work for lawyers. I think I calmed everyone down a little with the fact that I wasn't being made anxious about the right hand not knowing what the left hand was doing delay. I said, it's ok, I understand, it all needs to be done correctly. They assured me they work better together during the surgery- we laughed, I sure as hell hoped so. Finally, they get a doctor to change it, and they wheel me to the operation room which looks and feels like nothing I've ever imagined. It felt more like a big gym room rather than the small operation room I've often seen on TV shows. I don't remember anything between that time and maybe sometime after 5pm. I remember somebody waking me up, and feeling so nauseous, it felt like the worst hangover EVER. Later, I found out it was Dr. Bash who first woke me up. I barely remember her saying everything went great. I remember not crying but being glad I was alive and the recovery nurse checking on me often. She stayed sitting by my bed, but was a blur because I was hung over and I didn't have my eyeglasses! There were only curtains that separated me from other patients in recovery. I could hear them. I was dizzy and felt like complete crap. I moved my leg a little, and then I asked the nurse, "Is there something in my vagina?" She said yes, there's a catheter. I laugh and thank God for two reasons, 1. something was there and the nurse was aware so it was suppose to be there and 2. I don't have to move to use the restroom, because moving my head to look another direction made me feel like wanting to die how nauseated I was. OMG! My older brother explained the hangover feeling the best way, which is exactly how I felt in recovery. It was like my brain was the size of small marble and it was bouncing everywhere like crazy in my head and I was just waiting for it to grow back to normal size and stay still and be normal again. It was that bad, if not worse. I was in recovery a long time (more than 2 hours for sure), but I was a little glad, because I did not want to have to see or talk to anyone, I couldn't. The nurse said she was getting me something for my nausea, but not sure if she ever did. I just wanted to stay asleep. They let my mom in to come and see me while I was in recovery. I don't remember much about talking to her or anything, but just feeling happy I was alive and she was there and also knew I was alive. I can't really remember, but I think it was here where I also asked whether I still had nipples, and they told me yes! It seemed to me like everything went as best it could and I was grateful. Mom went away, and I was left in recovery. Everytime the nurse would say they are cleaning a room for me, and it's ready, something else would happen and hold me longer in recovery. FINALLY, they rolled my bed through elevators and halls to the room that I would be staying in. I was still out of it and in pain. When we reached my room, I had to scoot over to my regular hospital bed from the recovery bed once they placed the bed side by side each other. I don't even know how I did it, but it happened. I had no sense of direction or how I got there or where I was. I just knew I was in a bed in a room where my family could finally come visit me. Not even a few minutes pass and my parents and Naomi and aunty claudia come in the room. I talk with them and am in good spirits. The nurses keep coming in and opening and closing my velcrow bra checking my incisions and whatever else they were checking. It hurt EVERY TIME. My friend Julia comes in shortly after first seeing my family and we all talk and laugh. Aunty Claudia I think had been waiting over three hours with my family. She brought over a huge basket with all kinds of candy and I swear she went to the magazine section in some store and grabbed one of EVERY magazine for that basket-- SERIOUSLY! I have Men's Health, People Style, Oprah, Cosmopolitan, Woman's Garden etc. and some color pencils and a sketch book- lol! I'm not sure how she carried that all from the parking lot, it was a heavy gift basket. Food comes in and I am STARVING! Remember, I feel like I had the worst hangover EVER, I'm thinking some food will help here. I'm excited to eat. They say it's soup and mom starts attempting to spoon feed me, so SLOWLY! I'm frustrated and complain she needs to be faster and they put a straw in the soup and I sucked up what must have been half a cup of broth-- WTF? Don't they remember I haven't eaten ANYTHING since the night before-- Are they trying to kill me with starvation! I WANT FOOD! But they have orders keeping me on a liquid diet, so the torture continues. I tried to eat some of the jello but it burned my throat for some reason.
They bring me lots of graham crackers and salted crackers though, because I keep asking for them. I can't get enough. Dad had stepped out somewhere. The nurse or doctor or I don't know anymore came in to check my boobs again, and they opened my bra and we showed my boobs to mom, Julia, I'm pretty sure aunty claudia was still in there unless Dad was away walking her out, and Naomi. I didn't care. Quite frankly, I hadn't seen them yet until probably just then and still wasn't really able to. They explained the stitches on the outside were liquid and I still had tubes coming out my sides for draining reasons which we have to drain ourselves at home. This is a pic of the drains that first day. I have one tube coming out each side of me, and we need to keep track of the amount of liquid each time we empty the drains. It's so GROSS!
They velcrow me shut again- HURTS every time. My urine is color green from the blue radioactive dye they had to use for the sentinel node biospsy (by the way, Dr. Gray told me the next day he had forgotten about my calcifications on my right when he first went and spoke with me, and by the time he remembered from reviewing my chart before my operation, he said I had already had my "happy juice" so he went ahead and did the lymph node biopsies on BOTH sides. So much for nurse Victoria matching orders- and Dr. Gray is married to an attorney too! lol! Thank God. Now, really no questions about it spreading! I'll update the lymphodema Dr. Gray discussion in the next day blog).
With each changing nurse and doctor, they change the names on the whiteboard in the room so I can keep track. It's a nice size room and the bed is amazing with how it can lift and recline.
A man comes in with a device I'm suppose to use to help prevent pneumonia I remember asking his name, but I forgot it. He teaches me how to use it, and he says a woman my age should be able to get it to 3500-- this time I'm breathing with it at 1500-- I look at him and tell him I have old lady lungs. It catches him off guard and we all laugh.
Finally, everyone except mom leaves. Mom stays the night with me. The nurse this night is very young looking and nice- I believe she was Lindsey (I met two or three Lindseys during my stay). I'm out of it most of the time, and have no reason to leave my bed since I have the catheter. I explained to the nurse that I felt like I needed to pee so something might be wrong with the catheter, but she said everything was fine. I wanted to tell her, my bladder apparently doesn't agree! sheesh! With positioning, I eventually got comfortable again. The nurses come regularly to keep me drugged. In the middle of the night tonight, however, she came in because the machine was screaming that my blood pressure was too low. This time I wake up and I am in IMMENSE PAIN. It's NOT my chest, however, it's my back! The pain is INCREDIBLE! I can't do anything but CRY. Mom comes up to me and nurse comes on the other side. I explain my back pain is killing me. I think I've been laying flat too long and I need to lay on my side or something, but don't think I can because my tubes for my drains on my sides and incisions on my breast. I can't stop crying, and the nurse can't give me a pain med because my blood pressure dropped too low. She says we can try to turn me to my side if that's how I usually sleep to avoid the back pain. We attempt and I roll over to my left side (the most painful side of course) and she slides some pillows behind me. This relieves some of the pain, but not all of it-- BUT it's definitely still better than when I was laying flat on my back. Remember I have been flat on my back for almost 24 hours straight by now, my muscles are mad at me. I try to get comfortable and get some sleep and later they finally give me some drugs and I turn over more frequently. It was a hard and horrible night :( .... Here are some pictures of my room that my cousin Naomi took that night too.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
10/18/2012 8:15PM Lynn is Breast Cancer Free
Lynn was finally moved into her overnight "hotel" room. Mayo has felt more like a hotel today than a hospital. Everyone has been very sweet and kind.
We got to see Lynn at 7:00PM. She had been waiting in the recovery room for an available room for a few hours now. She was slowly waking up, explaining to her dad, "Remember when I was a senior in high school and I didn't come home for two days after graduation? It was because I was hungover and this is the same feeling." We all laughed. She was hungry and was only able to eat small portions of crackers and broth. The nurses will let us know what kind of diet she has to be on. She is telling her mom to go eat, bring food back, so when her mom falls asleep, she will eat it! LOL! She is doing well.
The nurses showed Lynn's mom and I how to empty her drains at home. Lena, her nurse, had a breast reduction here at Mayo Clinic not too long ago, so she explained that Lynn's recovery will be easier than we all think!
I am amazed how Lynn is up and laughing. SHE IS JUST AN EXTRAORDINARY WOMAN! I wanted to be sure to post this last blog to let all of you know she did amazing today! She did it! SHE BEAT BREAST CANCER! She also has the strength to entertain us visitors, make us laugh, and ask how we are doing!
She is now going to rest with her mom by her side.
We got to see Lynn at 7:00PM. She had been waiting in the recovery room for an available room for a few hours now. She was slowly waking up, explaining to her dad, "Remember when I was a senior in high school and I didn't come home for two days after graduation? It was because I was hungover and this is the same feeling." We all laughed. She was hungry and was only able to eat small portions of crackers and broth. The nurses will let us know what kind of diet she has to be on. She is telling her mom to go eat, bring food back, so when her mom falls asleep, she will eat it! LOL! She is doing well.
The nurses showed Lynn's mom and I how to empty her drains at home. Lena, her nurse, had a breast reduction here at Mayo Clinic not too long ago, so she explained that Lynn's recovery will be easier than we all think!
I am amazed how Lynn is up and laughing. SHE IS JUST AN EXTRAORDINARY WOMAN! I wanted to be sure to post this last blog to let all of you know she did amazing today! She did it! SHE BEAT BREAST CANCER! She also has the strength to entertain us visitors, make us laugh, and ask how we are doing!
She is now going to rest with her mom by her side.
10/18/12 Lynn's Progress 12:30pm
New update. Dr. Bash has told us that they have completed removal and reconstruction on one breast and are going to begin operating the other one. She is doing Great!
10/18/12 Lynn's Progress
At 5:10 AM, Lynn and her parents arrived at Mayo Clinic in Phoenix in her "I may be cute, but I have mad ninja skills" t-shirt from Walmart and comfy pajama pants. She was the first one to check in and the first one called. By the time I arrived at 5:45 AM, the waiting room was full of other patients' family members and Lynn was IN PREP. They prepped her for surgery from 5:30-7:00 AM.
Dr. Barbara Bash came out to speak to Auntie Fric, Uncle Joe, and I. She assured us that Lynn is doing great and she will be just fine. She explained that Dr. Gray and she will be operating simultaneously.
She encouraged us to check out the wonderful cafeteria and a beautiful courtyard area if we needed fresh air. Being the family member in the waiting room was the hard part, she empathized, as she's been here before. Auntie Fric thanked her and told her we have faith in her and Dr. Gray. Dr. Barbara was wonderful and will be updating us on Lynn's progress. As I'm writing this, a nurse is keeping us updated of any news from the doctors.
After speaking with Dr. Bash, we were able to see Lynn (after prep, right before surgery). She is all smiles! She showed off her socks with paws on them, knee high socks under temperature controlled pads on her calves, and a tube attached to her blanket that was her own personal air conditioner or heater! She was pretty excited about that! We were in her prep room for only 5 minutes when a few nurses came in to take her to surgery. We felt better after hugging her and seeing her infectious smile. We then went down to eat breakfast where they make fresh omelets and serve Starbucks coffee.
It is now 10: 51 Am. Lynn is currently in surgery. Her surgery will take a minimum of 4 hours which began around 8:00 AM. She will need 2 hours to recover. After her recovery, we may be able to see her.
There is a TV screen of each patient's status and there are TV's all over the hospital.
She is only here for tonight and if needed, tomorrow night. Some of you have asked if flowers can be sent. Any gifts or flowers will not be taken here at Mayo. If you are considering sending flowers or a gift, please send it to her home.
If you need her address, email me at naomitudela@gmail.com.
Forgive me, I'm trying to figure out this blog thing from my iPad. I might have to update pics separately.
10/17/2012- hibiclens day...
10/17/2012- Wednesday- day before double mastectomy surgery
If you're in a rush and this is too long, here are the key details:
1. We have to be at Mayo by 5:30AM (that's 10:30PM Thursday Saipan time- so surgery will most like be when you all are sleeping in Saipan :)). Not sure yet what time exactly they will start cutting me, but probably within the next two hours after then, I'm assuming.
2. I will have a family member update this blog with details as I am in surgery and hospitalized so everyone will stay in the loop. I will NOT have my cell phone with me. Please don't try to reach my family members too much, but rather just check this blog for updates. I know they will be anxious themselves and can only answer so many. Don't get me wrong, we TRULY APPRECIATE all the reaching out and we want it, but probably best until after I'm alive and well after surgery :) Thank you and we love you all!
3. I'll have whoever is updating my blog also provide info re the amount of time I will be hospitalized and whether I can have any visitors etc. We are still not sure right now. I'll probably give my cousin my cell phone in case anyone really wants to reach HER on it- lol! :)
4. I'm too damn busy trying to stay disinfected and clean and separation anxiety from my Rafiki to be any kind of scared right now about the surgery-- so that's a good thing! lol!
5. THANK YOU THANK YOU to all of you who have been texting me, emailing me, facebook messaging me, or asking me to call you today--- I AM SO SORRY I HAVE NOT RETURNED ONE CALL OR MESSAGE TODAY, but I did receive them all and I hope to respond after surgery as time has just slipped away from me today (it'll be tomorrow already in less than an hour- probably before I finish this blog-and I'm here blogging EXHAUSTED because I appreciate you all so much and HAVE TO let you know I received everything but could not get back to anyone, so I hope this blog suffices for now.
Today was HECTIC. I did nothing fun (except for being with my family during all the chaos of the day). We spent ALL DAY CLEANING and trying to get things in order. I spent a few hours at the laundry mat washing the couch covers and my bedroom pillows. Thankfully, I had the pleasure of at least spending that time with my niece Anisa who helped me at the laundry mat. She's a blessing! Dad spent most of the day shampooing my bedroom carpet and moving furniture and Clare helped all day too. Mom was set on cleaning all the couches and living rooms and keeping the dogs separated from the rest of the house since we got all the fur under control and out of my room and the rest of the house. Clare also helped watch and keep the kids entertained. Thankfully, Joseph bonded a lot with her and her kids and he is now spending the night at their house so that my parents can both come with me to the hospital tomorrow (in a few hours really). Mom mopped and vacuumed and swept and dusted and basically cloroxed everything she could get her hands on- lol! Remember, she has rheumatoid arthritis and so this is not an easy task, but she does it all with determination and NEVER one complaint. Mom and Dad are in their early sixties, but they have been so amazing doing everything physical around the house-- I'm so bad and spoiled. It's like I'm the sixty year old with my bad back. My back has been killing me, and I cannot take ibuprofen or anything because of surgery (been off any drugs for over 2 weeks now and bearing the back pain unhappily). Anyway, we accomplished alot, but before I knew it, it was 10pm already! crap! and *sigh*
Mayo clinic attempted calling me after 1pm and I was thoroughly irritated and not a pleasant person to speak with because I was at the laundry mat and I was feeling anxious with everything we had to get done. Plus my back hurt. She didn't help things telling me I shouldn't drink alcohol today, because I specifically called yesterday and asked the hospital and they had no restrictions besides not to eat or drink anything after midnight-- now I find out I cannot drink alcohol. I have been drinking at least one beer every night since dad arrived and stocks the place with all kinds of beers to sample- lol! I'm not gonna lie, I was looking forward to downing a few today but it wouldn't have happened anyway because we were too busy. I still was grumpy about it. I was not a good person to speak with and so she just said I would handle all that questioning crap that I have answered over a hundred times already tomorrow again at the hospital. I agreed to not deal with it today and just received her information about not eating after midnight, no alcohol, wearing comfortable clothing, no lotion, no jewelry no makeup, no perfume, no nothing basically. Anyway, later, my parents and I eventually did the practice drive to the hospital. All my appointments had previously been at the Mayo clinic on Shea and 134th street. The surgery, however, is going to be at Mayo on the 101 and 56th street. Clare helped us by staying home and keeping the kids busy, while we drove to the hospital. We find it and the parking lot, and we drive back home. We now feel better about it. This was at around 7pm-- the day was passing us by. We have done nothing fun- only errands (buying dog food and doing laundry) and cleaning the house and segregating the dogs.
Earlier I called the telephone number I was told to call after 4pm today and that's when I got the message that I am suppose to check it at 5:30 AM. Crap! That's EARLY. Anyway, the doctor also told me at my last appointment to wash my body with hibiclens tonight and then again tomorrow morning before I head to the hospital. So today was my hibiclens day.
I showered and washed myself basically in disinfectant- lol! I can't wear lotion or deordorant, and so I'm like a dry skinned can get body odor any second grumpy person missing my poor Rafiki who is barking in the back room, because there's a dog gate preventing him and Roxy from coming to the rest of the house :( Poor boy. It is for the best, however, I CANNOT afford risking an infection by the germs they would bring to my room. My dad "repaired" an old dog gate I had attempted to use when Casper was alive a few years ago, but Casper destroyed part of the gate. My dad made his repair with rope you can see in the bottom right corner. Dad can fix everything!! :)
Roxy and Rafiki are now limited to the back room which has a dog door to the back yard. It was also the only TV room and the kid game room. Naomi, however, brought another TV to our home and so the front living room is now the main TV room. The back room will be for anyone who wants to chill with the dogs and watch a DVD :) It's not bad, they are fine. Rafiki has two couches to sleep on and their food and water is there and they are still inside the house, but just limited to that room. It's harder on me I think then it is probably on him. Crap! He' keeps barking. I'm hoping he stops soon-- not sure how I will sleep through it if he continues. Doesn't he know I already washed myself in hibiclens? lol! I can't carry him now :( Oh well. For now pink pig from Naomi will be my new sleep buddy:) lol!
I feel so loved and blessed and positive. I am in a good place, largely because of all of the support from EVERYONE! I am truly truly humbled and so so so grateful. My uncle in Saipan who limits his drive to the post office because gas is almost $6 a gallon is driving to every church on the island and lighting a candle for me. My other uncle in Saipan who never goes to church is attending mass at the churches where my parents other friends are giving mass for me. Multiple heart-warming and encouraging stories like this make me feel so incredibly loved and grateful for everyone in our lives. I say OUR because this is a family affair. I've learned that breast cancer is not simply a one woman ordeal-- it is a family ordeal and it reaches everyone. How lucky I am to also have parents who have brought wonderful amazing people to my life, and they have all reached out and are supporting me (my "auntys" and "uncles" Angie & Orson, Carolyn, Maggie (both), Takeo, Martha, Bob & Lynn (sunny), Grace & Lang, Nina Juanita, Anicia & Tom, Claudia & Ted to name a few); I also am so grateful for my CKDQ family; my Bahamian family; my law school family; my facebook family; my Arizona family; my college family; my GCA family; my MHS family; my South African family-- the list goes on and on. I have prayers being said around the clock with the drastic time zones of all the people who have touched my life directly or indirectly. I felt it today. For all the Chamorro superstitious people, I felt it especially around 12pm today when I scratched my left leg til it bled on my bedroom furniture when it was disassembled to put everything in place. Tin, I'm blaming that one on you-- so maybe it's Filipino in California with Chamorro background-- please stop missing me-- I can't afford any more injuries! lolol! Ahh, if you don't get it everyone else, no worries :) I promise to eventually make time to respond to each of you that have written to me today when I am able to. It might be later, but it will happen. Just don't write back after, so I don't have to write back again - lolol! ha!ha!ha! KIDDING! My deepest gratitude and love to all!! SMILE and LAUGH today so I can feel all your joy during surgery and recovery. I think I look a mess in this picture, but you know it's funny when you crack yourself up. Naomi snapped this picture of me and Joseph as he placed stickers on my face the other night while I was blogging and she and Joseph were in my room. Remember me this way--- ridiculously LOUD laughter and as someone dear to me once described my laughter as "unhindered joy"! Can't wait to laugh with you all soon!
Ah, I need to sleep- 3 more hours and it's hibiclens time again, then off to Mayo clinic to kick some cancer ass!!! buwahaha! As LHK would say "woohoo!" ;)
If you're in a rush and this is too long, here are the key details:
1. We have to be at Mayo by 5:30AM (that's 10:30PM Thursday Saipan time- so surgery will most like be when you all are sleeping in Saipan :)). Not sure yet what time exactly they will start cutting me, but probably within the next two hours after then, I'm assuming.
2. I will have a family member update this blog with details as I am in surgery and hospitalized so everyone will stay in the loop. I will NOT have my cell phone with me. Please don't try to reach my family members too much, but rather just check this blog for updates. I know they will be anxious themselves and can only answer so many. Don't get me wrong, we TRULY APPRECIATE all the reaching out and we want it, but probably best until after I'm alive and well after surgery :) Thank you and we love you all!
3. I'll have whoever is updating my blog also provide info re the amount of time I will be hospitalized and whether I can have any visitors etc. We are still not sure right now. I'll probably give my cousin my cell phone in case anyone really wants to reach HER on it- lol! :)
4. I'm too damn busy trying to stay disinfected and clean and separation anxiety from my Rafiki to be any kind of scared right now about the surgery-- so that's a good thing! lol!
5. THANK YOU THANK YOU to all of you who have been texting me, emailing me, facebook messaging me, or asking me to call you today--- I AM SO SORRY I HAVE NOT RETURNED ONE CALL OR MESSAGE TODAY, but I did receive them all and I hope to respond after surgery as time has just slipped away from me today (it'll be tomorrow already in less than an hour- probably before I finish this blog-and I'm here blogging EXHAUSTED because I appreciate you all so much and HAVE TO let you know I received everything but could not get back to anyone, so I hope this blog suffices for now.
Today was HECTIC. I did nothing fun (except for being with my family during all the chaos of the day). We spent ALL DAY CLEANING and trying to get things in order. I spent a few hours at the laundry mat washing the couch covers and my bedroom pillows. Thankfully, I had the pleasure of at least spending that time with my niece Anisa who helped me at the laundry mat. She's a blessing! Dad spent most of the day shampooing my bedroom carpet and moving furniture and Clare helped all day too. Mom was set on cleaning all the couches and living rooms and keeping the dogs separated from the rest of the house since we got all the fur under control and out of my room and the rest of the house. Clare also helped watch and keep the kids entertained. Thankfully, Joseph bonded a lot with her and her kids and he is now spending the night at their house so that my parents can both come with me to the hospital tomorrow (in a few hours really). Mom mopped and vacuumed and swept and dusted and basically cloroxed everything she could get her hands on- lol! Remember, she has rheumatoid arthritis and so this is not an easy task, but she does it all with determination and NEVER one complaint. Mom and Dad are in their early sixties, but they have been so amazing doing everything physical around the house-- I'm so bad and spoiled. It's like I'm the sixty year old with my bad back. My back has been killing me, and I cannot take ibuprofen or anything because of surgery (been off any drugs for over 2 weeks now and bearing the back pain unhappily). Anyway, we accomplished alot, but before I knew it, it was 10pm already! crap! and *sigh*
Mayo clinic attempted calling me after 1pm and I was thoroughly irritated and not a pleasant person to speak with because I was at the laundry mat and I was feeling anxious with everything we had to get done. Plus my back hurt. She didn't help things telling me I shouldn't drink alcohol today, because I specifically called yesterday and asked the hospital and they had no restrictions besides not to eat or drink anything after midnight-- now I find out I cannot drink alcohol. I have been drinking at least one beer every night since dad arrived and stocks the place with all kinds of beers to sample- lol! I'm not gonna lie, I was looking forward to downing a few today but it wouldn't have happened anyway because we were too busy. I still was grumpy about it. I was not a good person to speak with and so she just said I would handle all that questioning crap that I have answered over a hundred times already tomorrow again at the hospital. I agreed to not deal with it today and just received her information about not eating after midnight, no alcohol, wearing comfortable clothing, no lotion, no jewelry no makeup, no perfume, no nothing basically. Anyway, later, my parents and I eventually did the practice drive to the hospital. All my appointments had previously been at the Mayo clinic on Shea and 134th street. The surgery, however, is going to be at Mayo on the 101 and 56th street. Clare helped us by staying home and keeping the kids busy, while we drove to the hospital. We find it and the parking lot, and we drive back home. We now feel better about it. This was at around 7pm-- the day was passing us by. We have done nothing fun- only errands (buying dog food and doing laundry) and cleaning the house and segregating the dogs.
Earlier I called the telephone number I was told to call after 4pm today and that's when I got the message that I am suppose to check it at 5:30 AM. Crap! That's EARLY. Anyway, the doctor also told me at my last appointment to wash my body with hibiclens tonight and then again tomorrow morning before I head to the hospital. So today was my hibiclens day.
I showered and washed myself basically in disinfectant- lol! I can't wear lotion or deordorant, and so I'm like a dry skinned can get body odor any second grumpy person missing my poor Rafiki who is barking in the back room, because there's a dog gate preventing him and Roxy from coming to the rest of the house :( Poor boy. It is for the best, however, I CANNOT afford risking an infection by the germs they would bring to my room. My dad "repaired" an old dog gate I had attempted to use when Casper was alive a few years ago, but Casper destroyed part of the gate. My dad made his repair with rope you can see in the bottom right corner. Dad can fix everything!! :)
I feel so loved and blessed and positive. I am in a good place, largely because of all of the support from EVERYONE! I am truly truly humbled and so so so grateful. My uncle in Saipan who limits his drive to the post office because gas is almost $6 a gallon is driving to every church on the island and lighting a candle for me. My other uncle in Saipan who never goes to church is attending mass at the churches where my parents other friends are giving mass for me. Multiple heart-warming and encouraging stories like this make me feel so incredibly loved and grateful for everyone in our lives. I say OUR because this is a family affair. I've learned that breast cancer is not simply a one woman ordeal-- it is a family ordeal and it reaches everyone. How lucky I am to also have parents who have brought wonderful amazing people to my life, and they have all reached out and are supporting me (my "auntys" and "uncles" Angie & Orson, Carolyn, Maggie (both), Takeo, Martha, Bob & Lynn (sunny), Grace & Lang, Nina Juanita, Anicia & Tom, Claudia & Ted to name a few); I also am so grateful for my CKDQ family; my Bahamian family; my law school family; my facebook family; my Arizona family; my college family; my GCA family; my MHS family; my South African family-- the list goes on and on. I have prayers being said around the clock with the drastic time zones of all the people who have touched my life directly or indirectly. I felt it today. For all the Chamorro superstitious people, I felt it especially around 12pm today when I scratched my left leg til it bled on my bedroom furniture when it was disassembled to put everything in place. Tin, I'm blaming that one on you-- so maybe it's Filipino in California with Chamorro background-- please stop missing me-- I can't afford any more injuries! lolol! Ahh, if you don't get it everyone else, no worries :) I promise to eventually make time to respond to each of you that have written to me today when I am able to. It might be later, but it will happen. Just don't write back after, so I don't have to write back again - lolol! ha!ha!ha! KIDDING! My deepest gratitude and love to all!! SMILE and LAUGH today so I can feel all your joy during surgery and recovery. I think I look a mess in this picture, but you know it's funny when you crack yourself up. Naomi snapped this picture of me and Joseph as he placed stickers on my face the other night while I was blogging and she and Joseph were in my room. Remember me this way--- ridiculously LOUD laughter and as someone dear to me once described my laughter as "unhindered joy"! Can't wait to laugh with you all soon!
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
10/15/2012- library closed, gift shop open- no death allowed.
October 15, 2012- Monday
Three more days....... I can't lie, I'm afraid.
Work has been keeping me busy, and so I have been distracted. That's good and bad. I caught myself thinking a lot today about what it would be like if I died Thursday. What a fucken horrible thing to endure! lol! I'm laughing now, but seriously, this damn thought has been crossing my mind. It's freaking me out and I do not like it. My mom came with my dad today to pick me up from work (my dad has been dropping me off everyday since they came, because I don't want them stranded at home all day). They came from doing some shopping, which I was happy to hear about, because mom has been couped up in the house all day cleaning and cooking since they came, so I was happy to hear she went and did something she enjoyed.
I think we are all pretty exhausted. I try very hard not to cry at home, because I don't want to worry them- but it's getting harder. I'm scared. I know they are too. sucks. On the way home, mom says, "It's getting closer to your surgery date, and I'm feeling worried, and I'm not even the one having surgery." I responded, "I know. I'm really afraid I'm going to die, because I never thought that a possibility before, but now I've been thinking a lot about it." My mom immediately responds, "No. I KNOW you will NOT die, but I'm just worried 4 hour surgery is a long time, and it's that time that scares me." My dad contributes that the anesthesiologist is what would kill you. Thanks, Dad! lol! I have to laugh, you all have to laugh with me as we are all serious during this conversation about how the anesthesiologist or an infection would kill me- ha!ha!
The way this conversation really started was because my cousin's in-laws who have included me into their family since moving to Arizona left me a message to call her mother in law. I called her while in the car on the way home from work. She tells me she heard about my surgery Thursday and just wanted to send their prayers and love my way. I thank her. She says she's with her aunt who also wants to speak to me. She gets on the phone and also sends her best wishes for me and I can tell is taken aback by my decision to have a double mastectomy, but she said she heard I made the decision quick and I must know what I want. I said yes. She then proceeds to ask if she can give her brother my phone number as he also wants to speak to me. I remember this brother giving me advice about Casper (my dog) when he had cancer. He was very informative about alternative medicines etc, which I found fine for my dog. I explained of course he can call but I probably won't be able to speak to him as I am very busy and the surgery is soon, so he can leave a voicemail. She says ok, so he can just leave a message then, because "he has some advice he wants to give you." I IMMEDIATELY say, "OH! no, if he wants to give me advice, please tell him not to call me, I welcome all prayers and positive thoughts, but no thank you to any advice." She laughs, and I laugh, because I am keeping it REAL. They are a good nice family, and I know they care about me, but I also do NOT need advice about alternative options or "better" options two days before my scheduled double mastectomy. SERIOUSLY! I was diagnosed on September 4th-- it is now October 15th, more than a month has passed with this cancer growing inside me. I AM SO SURE OF MY DECISION.
I will not be stressed or change my mind if I learn about new information; I just am not open to new information anymore. The information seeking chapter has been closed since I kept overdue breast cancer books from the Scottsdale public library (speaking of, I need to pay that fine-lol!). Library CLOSED, but gift shop OPEN-lol! I will take all prayers and positive well wishes and I take them all with the deepest gratitude. You may think you don't know how to tell me you hope the best for me or will be praying for me Thursday, because we have drifted apart maybe, we never really speak, we just met, or I don't even know you, but you heard about me-- believe me when I tell you- it all counts to me, ALL OF IT. It's always good to know I am not alone, and that people freaken CARE. As my aunty screamed the other day when she was telling me a story, "WE CARE, DAMMIT! Even if we don't know the person and the person dies, we are sad, because WE CARE!" OMG! You have to meet her, she's hysterical- I laughed so super HARD when she was telling me her story. It's funny, because I was one of those "not caring" type of people. The type that if I don't know you, I really don't care. But my aunt is from a different stock. She takes everything to heart and CARES all the time about everyone. Those type of people I use to think were strange, but now I have a new respect for them, and I am always amazed when I meet new people who genuinely show they care about me because I might die from breast cancer even though they know nothing else about me. That amazes me. I thought it would be weird, but the weird part for me is that I appreciate those people and I appreciate their concern. I might be an "I CARE" person after this whole cancer journey-- knocked some of the New Yorker out of me! OK, I won't go that far, but anything is possible- after all, New York knocked out the islander-lol!
The contradiction to the "I care" story is since having breast cancer, nothing much moves me. I find more things petty and unimportant. But hysterical nonetheless. I've definitely developed my warped sense of humor to being more warped-lol! I can't help it-- there is humor in everything! I catch myself getting frustrated sometimes, but not as much as I normally would before the cancer. It's funny, it almost makes me less empathetic, which is a bad thing (or at least I'm told it is bad-still not convinced-ha!ha!). If I'm feeling moody, I just separate myself from people, because I'm a bad moody person. I've been both hysterical and moody-- probably nothing new for those who have always known me, but I'm noticing it a lot more now. I need to catch myself sometimes, because the world does not stop for anyone-- even when we die, life goes on for the rest of those still living. I was reminded of this harsh reality with the sudden death of my godsister a little over two weeks ago...
My friend and college roommate messaged me earlier tonight sending her positive thoughts and prayers. I told her I am scared, but I'm looking forward to getting this cancer out. I told her I'm drinking (as has been the common routine lately since my dad goes bazerk everytime he comes to the mainland, because there are so many varieties of beer so we get practically a couple of each to sample them all- it's great! lol!). She responds she'll have a glass of wine with me. I told her she gives me too much class, I'm drinking Trader Jose beer imported from Mexico -lol! She tells me I'm a classy beer drinking chica! lol! gotta love us! ha!ha! This beer is pretty good. It came from Trader Joe's (hence the Trader Jose, duh!-lol!), and everyone knows Trader Joes only sells healthy non cancerous products- ha!ha!!! I might have had one too many, so excuse this if it has lost more direction than usual.
I am filled with mixed emotions. In 10 minutes it will be tomorrow already-- a day closer to possibly waking up after surgery with no nipples. Shit! I use to be concerned about that, but that's probably 5th on my worry list. My worry list right now is 1. not dying, 2. no lymphodema on either of my arms, 3. cancer has not become invasive, 4. no infection, and 5. nipples. sucks. I'm kind of mad that I even care about nipples, seems so superficial of me, because they are really not essential-- but I think I would honestly freak myself out if I had boobs without nipples. *sigh* I can already imagine when I return to work everyone will be wondering if I have nipples- lol! No worries, I will blog about that too-- why the hell not at this point- ha!ha! I need to start back to living the best I can and get this fear of possible death out of my head, off my radar and nowhere near my state of mind.. I will NOT die!
“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt, You Learn by Living: Eleven Keys for a More Fulfilling Life
Three more days....... I can't lie, I'm afraid.
Work has been keeping me busy, and so I have been distracted. That's good and bad. I caught myself thinking a lot today about what it would be like if I died Thursday. What a fucken horrible thing to endure! lol! I'm laughing now, but seriously, this damn thought has been crossing my mind. It's freaking me out and I do not like it. My mom came with my dad today to pick me up from work (my dad has been dropping me off everyday since they came, because I don't want them stranded at home all day). They came from doing some shopping, which I was happy to hear about, because mom has been couped up in the house all day cleaning and cooking since they came, so I was happy to hear she went and did something she enjoyed.
I think we are all pretty exhausted. I try very hard not to cry at home, because I don't want to worry them- but it's getting harder. I'm scared. I know they are too. sucks. On the way home, mom says, "It's getting closer to your surgery date, and I'm feeling worried, and I'm not even the one having surgery." I responded, "I know. I'm really afraid I'm going to die, because I never thought that a possibility before, but now I've been thinking a lot about it." My mom immediately responds, "No. I KNOW you will NOT die, but I'm just worried 4 hour surgery is a long time, and it's that time that scares me." My dad contributes that the anesthesiologist is what would kill you. Thanks, Dad! lol! I have to laugh, you all have to laugh with me as we are all serious during this conversation about how the anesthesiologist or an infection would kill me- ha!ha!
The way this conversation really started was because my cousin's in-laws who have included me into their family since moving to Arizona left me a message to call her mother in law. I called her while in the car on the way home from work. She tells me she heard about my surgery Thursday and just wanted to send their prayers and love my way. I thank her. She says she's with her aunt who also wants to speak to me. She gets on the phone and also sends her best wishes for me and I can tell is taken aback by my decision to have a double mastectomy, but she said she heard I made the decision quick and I must know what I want. I said yes. She then proceeds to ask if she can give her brother my phone number as he also wants to speak to me. I remember this brother giving me advice about Casper (my dog) when he had cancer. He was very informative about alternative medicines etc, which I found fine for my dog. I explained of course he can call but I probably won't be able to speak to him as I am very busy and the surgery is soon, so he can leave a voicemail. She says ok, so he can just leave a message then, because "he has some advice he wants to give you." I IMMEDIATELY say, "OH! no, if he wants to give me advice, please tell him not to call me, I welcome all prayers and positive thoughts, but no thank you to any advice." She laughs, and I laugh, because I am keeping it REAL. They are a good nice family, and I know they care about me, but I also do NOT need advice about alternative options or "better" options two days before my scheduled double mastectomy. SERIOUSLY! I was diagnosed on September 4th-- it is now October 15th, more than a month has passed with this cancer growing inside me. I AM SO SURE OF MY DECISION.
I will not be stressed or change my mind if I learn about new information; I just am not open to new information anymore. The information seeking chapter has been closed since I kept overdue breast cancer books from the Scottsdale public library (speaking of, I need to pay that fine-lol!). Library CLOSED, but gift shop OPEN-lol! I will take all prayers and positive well wishes and I take them all with the deepest gratitude. You may think you don't know how to tell me you hope the best for me or will be praying for me Thursday, because we have drifted apart maybe, we never really speak, we just met, or I don't even know you, but you heard about me-- believe me when I tell you- it all counts to me, ALL OF IT. It's always good to know I am not alone, and that people freaken CARE. As my aunty screamed the other day when she was telling me a story, "WE CARE, DAMMIT! Even if we don't know the person and the person dies, we are sad, because WE CARE!" OMG! You have to meet her, she's hysterical- I laughed so super HARD when she was telling me her story. It's funny, because I was one of those "not caring" type of people. The type that if I don't know you, I really don't care. But my aunt is from a different stock. She takes everything to heart and CARES all the time about everyone. Those type of people I use to think were strange, but now I have a new respect for them, and I am always amazed when I meet new people who genuinely show they care about me because I might die from breast cancer even though they know nothing else about me. That amazes me. I thought it would be weird, but the weird part for me is that I appreciate those people and I appreciate their concern. I might be an "I CARE" person after this whole cancer journey-- knocked some of the New Yorker out of me! OK, I won't go that far, but anything is possible- after all, New York knocked out the islander-lol!
The contradiction to the "I care" story is since having breast cancer, nothing much moves me. I find more things petty and unimportant. But hysterical nonetheless. I've definitely developed my warped sense of humor to being more warped-lol! I can't help it-- there is humor in everything! I catch myself getting frustrated sometimes, but not as much as I normally would before the cancer. It's funny, it almost makes me less empathetic, which is a bad thing (or at least I'm told it is bad-still not convinced-ha!ha!). If I'm feeling moody, I just separate myself from people, because I'm a bad moody person. I've been both hysterical and moody-- probably nothing new for those who have always known me, but I'm noticing it a lot more now. I need to catch myself sometimes, because the world does not stop for anyone-- even when we die, life goes on for the rest of those still living. I was reminded of this harsh reality with the sudden death of my godsister a little over two weeks ago...
My friend and college roommate messaged me earlier tonight sending her positive thoughts and prayers. I told her I am scared, but I'm looking forward to getting this cancer out. I told her I'm drinking (as has been the common routine lately since my dad goes bazerk everytime he comes to the mainland, because there are so many varieties of beer so we get practically a couple of each to sample them all- it's great! lol!). She responds she'll have a glass of wine with me. I told her she gives me too much class, I'm drinking Trader Jose beer imported from Mexico -lol! She tells me I'm a classy beer drinking chica! lol! gotta love us! ha!ha! This beer is pretty good. It came from Trader Joe's (hence the Trader Jose, duh!-lol!), and everyone knows Trader Joes only sells healthy non cancerous products- ha!ha!!! I might have had one too many, so excuse this if it has lost more direction than usual.
I am filled with mixed emotions. In 10 minutes it will be tomorrow already-- a day closer to possibly waking up after surgery with no nipples. Shit! I use to be concerned about that, but that's probably 5th on my worry list. My worry list right now is 1. not dying, 2. no lymphodema on either of my arms, 3. cancer has not become invasive, 4. no infection, and 5. nipples. sucks. I'm kind of mad that I even care about nipples, seems so superficial of me, because they are really not essential-- but I think I would honestly freak myself out if I had boobs without nipples. *sigh* I can already imagine when I return to work everyone will be wondering if I have nipples- lol! No worries, I will blog about that too-- why the hell not at this point- ha!ha! I need to start back to living the best I can and get this fear of possible death out of my head, off my radar and nowhere near my state of mind.. I will NOT die!
“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt, You Learn by Living: Eleven Keys for a More Fulfilling Life
Friday, October 12, 2012
10/11/2012- ten eleven twelve...seven more days...parental support endless
October 11, 2012 - Thursday
Today's 10/11/12-- must mean something good, right? If not, I pretended it did :)
I had a very busy day at work today. I called my dad to pick me up from work close to 8pm. When he came, I asked him to take me to Target so I could buy the sports bras that my surgeon recommended I use after my surgery. Last night, I went with my mom to Walgreens and filled my prescriptions, so I have my antibiotics, pain meds, and something I'm suppose to wash my body with the day before and morning of surgery- ready for next week. My mom also bought face masks and non-latex gloves for when they have to take care of me after. I laugh because I think she actually is planning to make my visitors wear the masks when they visit me at home! OMG! Fair warning to potential visitors-lol! I don't think it will happen, but I never know. I might take pictures of a few of you with the masks for my blog- that would be entertaining :) ha!ha! For sure Wednesday will be spent disinfecting and cleaning the house (day before surgery). We still have to figure out what to do about the dogs-- Rafiki is use to sleeping with me and Roxy sleeps on the floor by my bed too. I will be sad without rafiki by me, but I don't want an infection either. I think we'll just gate the entrance to my bedroom while I recover, so the dogs can't come in. I hope all goes well. Mom already told me that she can't change my bandages or do any nursing, because she can't look, so she is going to make my dad take care of that part. OMG! lol! Plus, Mom has rheumatoid arthritis, so she is limited anyway. Naomi also can't stand blood, so the two women in the house will not be so helpful when it comes to that aspect of taking care of me. Mom will continue cooking amazing meals and fattening me up, and Naomi will make me laugh and probably help with the make-up if I want any (you know, just in case my future husband happens roam in my house- NOT!). lol! She'll keep me pretty :) Dad will be stuck with the dirty jobs-- draining my drains and checking my bandages or whatever. I'm hopeful I won't need anyone to bathe me, but we shall see.... ugh!
I need to get my living will notarized. Mom already told me she can't do it. So, once again, Dad is left with the dirty work of having to unplug me if it comes to that- lol! ha!ha! OMG! My poor dad! But he's a wise man, and he knows that I would never want to be kept alive if I was brain dead and no longer able to have any independence or be able to communicate. I love to communicate (as many of you poor souls who I text already know-lol!) As one of my friends complained recently, "a text message is not suppose to be a blog." Most of you won't laugh right there, but the ones who know me and are current victims of my texting, I know just let out a laugh right then- lol! So the living will is one thing still on the checklist. The only other thing is making sure the house is clean and my room especially is clean. That will definitely be the agenda for Wednesday.
Back to my after work story... So I have my dad drive me to Target, and he walks with me to the bra section, but we find nothing. We eventually see the sports bras by the workout section. There are many colors and types. My doctor recommended the $16 ones. She forgot the $.099 part, so they are really $17 before tax and practically $19 after tax, which makes it practically $20! These prices are not my $7.99 TJMaxx sports bra prices, so you know my cheap self is hurt by these prices. But they are really comfortable, and they have nice bright happy colors, so I did buy them. Dad was patient enough to debate sizes with me-- I was between medium or large. I grabbed a few larges and was ready to head out, because I knew my other cousins and visitors were at my house having dinner and waiting. I figured I would exchange them if they didn't fit. My dad, however, told me I should just go try a couple sizes on. So, I did (good thing I did, I ended up with mediums). I gave him my giant purse to hold and the extra bras that I didn't need to try on. As I was in the fitting room, it just hit me what was happening. OMG! My dad is bra shopping with me in preparation for my double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery because I have breast cancer. I suddenly feel so grateful for him, and his patience with me, because he has been a little grumpy lately. Tonight, however, he has been completely accommodating and kind. I am very lucky. My mom who can't stand medical things bought a box of masks and gloves to prepare for me and my dad who's a man is bra shopping with me! I laugh and cry at the same time, because it is super funny, but also so incredibly demonstrative of their unlimited love and support.... I am blessed.
“Parents rarely let go of their children, so children let go of them. They move on. They move away. The moments that used to define them - a mother's approval, a father's nod - are covered by moments of their own accomplishments. It is not until much later, as the skin sags and the heart weakens, that children understand; their stories, and all their accomplishments, sit atop the stories of their mothers and fathers, stones upon stones, beneath the waters of their lives.”
― Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven
Today's 10/11/12-- must mean something good, right? If not, I pretended it did :)
I had a very busy day at work today. I called my dad to pick me up from work close to 8pm. When he came, I asked him to take me to Target so I could buy the sports bras that my surgeon recommended I use after my surgery. Last night, I went with my mom to Walgreens and filled my prescriptions, so I have my antibiotics, pain meds, and something I'm suppose to wash my body with the day before and morning of surgery- ready for next week. My mom also bought face masks and non-latex gloves for when they have to take care of me after. I laugh because I think she actually is planning to make my visitors wear the masks when they visit me at home! OMG! Fair warning to potential visitors-lol! I don't think it will happen, but I never know. I might take pictures of a few of you with the masks for my blog- that would be entertaining :) ha!ha! For sure Wednesday will be spent disinfecting and cleaning the house (day before surgery). We still have to figure out what to do about the dogs-- Rafiki is use to sleeping with me and Roxy sleeps on the floor by my bed too. I will be sad without rafiki by me, but I don't want an infection either. I think we'll just gate the entrance to my bedroom while I recover, so the dogs can't come in. I hope all goes well. Mom already told me that she can't change my bandages or do any nursing, because she can't look, so she is going to make my dad take care of that part. OMG! lol! Plus, Mom has rheumatoid arthritis, so she is limited anyway. Naomi also can't stand blood, so the two women in the house will not be so helpful when it comes to that aspect of taking care of me. Mom will continue cooking amazing meals and fattening me up, and Naomi will make me laugh and probably help with the make-up if I want any (you know, just in case my future husband happens roam in my house- NOT!). lol! She'll keep me pretty :) Dad will be stuck with the dirty jobs-- draining my drains and checking my bandages or whatever. I'm hopeful I won't need anyone to bathe me, but we shall see.... ugh!
I need to get my living will notarized. Mom already told me she can't do it. So, once again, Dad is left with the dirty work of having to unplug me if it comes to that- lol! ha!ha! OMG! My poor dad! But he's a wise man, and he knows that I would never want to be kept alive if I was brain dead and no longer able to have any independence or be able to communicate. I love to communicate (as many of you poor souls who I text already know-lol!) As one of my friends complained recently, "a text message is not suppose to be a blog." Most of you won't laugh right there, but the ones who know me and are current victims of my texting, I know just let out a laugh right then- lol! So the living will is one thing still on the checklist. The only other thing is making sure the house is clean and my room especially is clean. That will definitely be the agenda for Wednesday.
Back to my after work story... So I have my dad drive me to Target, and he walks with me to the bra section, but we find nothing. We eventually see the sports bras by the workout section. There are many colors and types. My doctor recommended the $16 ones. She forgot the $.099 part, so they are really $17 before tax and practically $19 after tax, which makes it practically $20! These prices are not my $7.99 TJMaxx sports bra prices, so you know my cheap self is hurt by these prices. But they are really comfortable, and they have nice bright happy colors, so I did buy them. Dad was patient enough to debate sizes with me-- I was between medium or large. I grabbed a few larges and was ready to head out, because I knew my other cousins and visitors were at my house having dinner and waiting. I figured I would exchange them if they didn't fit. My dad, however, told me I should just go try a couple sizes on. So, I did (good thing I did, I ended up with mediums). I gave him my giant purse to hold and the extra bras that I didn't need to try on. As I was in the fitting room, it just hit me what was happening. OMG! My dad is bra shopping with me in preparation for my double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery because I have breast cancer. I suddenly feel so grateful for him, and his patience with me, because he has been a little grumpy lately. Tonight, however, he has been completely accommodating and kind. I am very lucky. My mom who can't stand medical things bought a box of masks and gloves to prepare for me and my dad who's a man is bra shopping with me! I laugh and cry at the same time, because it is super funny, but also so incredibly demonstrative of their unlimited love and support.... I am blessed.
“Parents rarely let go of their children, so children let go of them. They move on. They move away. The moments that used to define them - a mother's approval, a father's nod - are covered by moments of their own accomplishments. It is not until much later, as the skin sags and the heart weakens, that children understand; their stories, and all their accomplishments, sit atop the stories of their mothers and fathers, stones upon stones, beneath the waters of their lives.”
― Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
10/09/2012- quick update and anecdote of the day
October 09, 2012- Tuesday
I still have to blog about this weekend (clogged bathroom pipes and the midnight Walmart runs for Draino with dad), but I will get to that another time. I also forgot to blog that my parents are here with my nephew/god son, Joseph. They arrived last week Thursday night (Thursdays are good days for me :)) and I love having them with me. My sis/cousin has also moved in with her dog, and we are a full house of dogs, laughter and love :) I'm very blessed.
Today was a hard day for me, which surprised me. I thought I was fine, but I did have a couple breakdowns, but eventually got it together and God has shown me through strangers, long time family friends, and newly made friendships, that I am not alone and have so much to be extremely grateful for.
Lunchtime hit, and I needed to get out of the office. I have been feeling very overwhelmed at work and so I just wanted to be away for an hour. I didn't have my car with me, because my dad just dropped me off this morning so that he could have the car to take my nephew to the zoo and do whatever they wanted to do. I decided to walk across the street to the Biltmore and maybe have lunch there or just roam aimlessly. I did both. I roamed aimlessly, ended up in Macys walked through the shoe department, but purchased nothing. Walked finally to Paradise Bakery where I purchased a whole salad and found the perfect table by the fake tree in the crowded dining area big enough for just myself and discreet enough so nobody would notice I was alone. As I was having lunch, I went through my multiple messages on facebook, and then I received an email. It was an email from my former boss who told me she has been following my posts on facebook and now read my blog. She was so supportive. She shared some of her own medical struggles and expressed that my words have helped her. I couldn't help but cry. A man also having lunch alone next to me asks if I'm alright, because he saw me hiding my face in the napkin. I smile and say, yes. He says "as long as you're not dying" I laugh and say, "well, I'm trying not to." I explained I have cancer, and I just read a note from a friend so that's why I'm emotional, but I'm trying not to die by hopefully being rid of the cancer next week. He said I'm too young to die and too pretty :) lol! *sigh* I should've agreed and laughed loudly, but I was overwhelmed, so it was just a little laugh- ha!ha!
On my way back to the office, I sat in the patio-like area outside our offices for a few minutes just trying to digest everything that has been happening. I let a few tears out, and then went back to work. I needed a stamp and a friend was going to meet me by Starbucks to give me a stamp for the last thank you card I needed to mail out. He couldn't make it, but while I was waiting in line to buy my coffee, the gentleman in front of me asked what I was having, and he paid for my coffee. That made up for everything, and made me feel grateful and delighted.
The moral of the story: don't ever tell a stranger "as long as you're not dying" because they might be- lol! I'm just sayin... ha!ha! Free coffee from Starbucks makes everything better especially when it's a random stranger that pays for it :) Random acts of kindness does exist, and I am going to be OK.
Sidenote: I did have a mini breakdown on a coworker after work today. I just needed to cry and let it out. I needed it. I got home to read one of the most amazing personal messages from a family friend, and I am lifted once more, reminded that I am not alone, and that I should remain confident that all will be OK, because I am doing the best thing possible for myself and my family. I'm allowed to cry, but I will never have regrets about how I've decided to handle this and the route I have directed my life in choosing a double mastectomy. No physical feature will ever define or portray all that I am and more importantly all that I still can be. I am still me. I will still be me, but now a little more compassionate, less superficial, happier and a thousand times more grateful. I am so beautifully blessed and lucky. I know this-- I just need some reminding every now and then, and today God reminded me through facebook friends, the man at Paradise, friend with a stamp, generous stranger in Starbucks, co-worker with a shoulder to cry on, and a house full of laughter, love and unending support. I am grateful, for I am never alone....
"When things go wrong one after another, to experience some goodness in things, situations or people, and spontaneously feel grateful, is a passover from death to Life, a refreshing new beginning." — Pius Thekemury
I still have to blog about this weekend (clogged bathroom pipes and the midnight Walmart runs for Draino with dad), but I will get to that another time. I also forgot to blog that my parents are here with my nephew/god son, Joseph. They arrived last week Thursday night (Thursdays are good days for me :)) and I love having them with me. My sis/cousin has also moved in with her dog, and we are a full house of dogs, laughter and love :) I'm very blessed.
Today was a hard day for me, which surprised me. I thought I was fine, but I did have a couple breakdowns, but eventually got it together and God has shown me through strangers, long time family friends, and newly made friendships, that I am not alone and have so much to be extremely grateful for.
Lunchtime hit, and I needed to get out of the office. I have been feeling very overwhelmed at work and so I just wanted to be away for an hour. I didn't have my car with me, because my dad just dropped me off this morning so that he could have the car to take my nephew to the zoo and do whatever they wanted to do. I decided to walk across the street to the Biltmore and maybe have lunch there or just roam aimlessly. I did both. I roamed aimlessly, ended up in Macys walked through the shoe department, but purchased nothing. Walked finally to Paradise Bakery where I purchased a whole salad and found the perfect table by the fake tree in the crowded dining area big enough for just myself and discreet enough so nobody would notice I was alone. As I was having lunch, I went through my multiple messages on facebook, and then I received an email. It was an email from my former boss who told me she has been following my posts on facebook and now read my blog. She was so supportive. She shared some of her own medical struggles and expressed that my words have helped her. I couldn't help but cry. A man also having lunch alone next to me asks if I'm alright, because he saw me hiding my face in the napkin. I smile and say, yes. He says "as long as you're not dying" I laugh and say, "well, I'm trying not to." I explained I have cancer, and I just read a note from a friend so that's why I'm emotional, but I'm trying not to die by hopefully being rid of the cancer next week. He said I'm too young to die and too pretty :) lol! *sigh* I should've agreed and laughed loudly, but I was overwhelmed, so it was just a little laugh- ha!ha!
On my way back to the office, I sat in the patio-like area outside our offices for a few minutes just trying to digest everything that has been happening. I let a few tears out, and then went back to work. I needed a stamp and a friend was going to meet me by Starbucks to give me a stamp for the last thank you card I needed to mail out. He couldn't make it, but while I was waiting in line to buy my coffee, the gentleman in front of me asked what I was having, and he paid for my coffee. That made up for everything, and made me feel grateful and delighted.
The moral of the story: don't ever tell a stranger "as long as you're not dying" because they might be- lol! I'm just sayin... ha!ha! Free coffee from Starbucks makes everything better especially when it's a random stranger that pays for it :) Random acts of kindness does exist, and I am going to be OK.
Sidenote: I did have a mini breakdown on a coworker after work today. I just needed to cry and let it out. I needed it. I got home to read one of the most amazing personal messages from a family friend, and I am lifted once more, reminded that I am not alone, and that I should remain confident that all will be OK, because I am doing the best thing possible for myself and my family. I'm allowed to cry, but I will never have regrets about how I've decided to handle this and the route I have directed my life in choosing a double mastectomy. No physical feature will ever define or portray all that I am and more importantly all that I still can be. I am still me. I will still be me, but now a little more compassionate, less superficial, happier and a thousand times more grateful. I am so beautifully blessed and lucky. I know this-- I just need some reminding every now and then, and today God reminded me through facebook friends, the man at Paradise, friend with a stamp, generous stranger in Starbucks, co-worker with a shoulder to cry on, and a house full of laughter, love and unending support. I am grateful, for I am never alone....
"When things go wrong one after another, to experience some goodness in things, situations or people, and spontaneously feel grateful, is a passover from death to Life, a refreshing new beginning." — Pius Thekemury
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