September 20, 2012 – Thursday
“Maybe you can afford to wait. Maybe for you there's a tomorrow. Maybe for you there's one thousand tomorrows,
or three thousand, or ten, so much time you can bathe in it, roll around it, let
it slide like coins through your fingers. So much time you can waste it. But for some of us there's only today. And the truth is, you never really know.”
― Lauren Oliver, Before I Fall
― Lauren Oliver, Before I Fall
Well, even with my cancer
diagnosis, I foolishly took time for granted today. Apparently, Time missed the memo that I have
cancer excusing me for wasting time and being untimely. Reality is, I think I just didn’t really give
a shit until it was almost too late (too many appointments!). I woke up super early knowing I finally had
the last of my orientation/consulting with the Cancer Treatment Centers of
America (CTCA). Today was my consult
with the radiation oncology doctor. I
thought I was scheduled for 9:30 am, and did not bother to confirm by checking
in one of my large hoarding three cancer bags for my schedule. I woke up thinking I was early, so I went
online and began to create and update my blog (this blog). I copied and pasted my prior emails and the
last update I had written the day before.
It took a lot longer than I anticipated, but I got it done by 8:30
am. CTCA, I thought was about a half
hour to forty-five minutes away, so I planned on leaving by 9am. I finally pulled out my “itinerary” of
appointments for CTCA and felt my insides sink and head stress out, because
apparently, my previous appointment was for 9:30 with that doctor (after the
9am assessment). I figured I would be a
few minutes late and have enough time since they had me waiting a while after
the nurse assessment to see the actual doctor.
It turns out my nurse assessment for today was scheduled for 8:45 am and
the radiation oncology consult was scheduled for 9 am!!!! Crap! I got ready and by the time I left the house,
it was already 9am (remember it’s a 35-45 minute drive depending on
traffic). As I’m driving I get on my
cell phone and call CTCA and inform them I’m on my way, but will be incredibly
late as it’s already 9am and I probably won’t be there until 9:30am. The scheduler checked the doctor’s schedule
and said he was booked all day, and maybe Monday would be better. I cursed and told her no, I need to get this
done today and out of the way. I can’t
keep taking off from work for these appointments, and I needed to meet all the
CTCA doctors in my plan before I went to Mayo and met those doctors. I told her I was on my way and would be
there. She said I could come and we
would see if there’s an opening, so I said I was doing that. By the time I reach there, I’m moody and
pissed off. I’m pissed off at myself,
because this is really nobody’s fault but my own negligence and I’m just mad at
myself. I know I will need radiation
after my surgery and I need to meet this doctor so I can make an informed decision
when I meet the doctors at Mayo. I have
to make this appointment! I walk in fast
to check in at the clinic, and the lady tells me she doesn’t have anything
scheduled for me today. I tell her it’s
for radiation, and she informs me that radiation is down the hall at another
section. Now I’m more stressed because I
wasted all this time at the clinic. I
rush to radiation and the lady sends me to the office across the hall to get a
patient hand band. I get that done and
finally wait to see the doctor.
A nice nurse comes out and brings
me to a scale and takes my weight, and then to an examination room. She hands me a clipboard with a sheet of
multiple choice questions about my health and other information. We talk briefly, and then she says she is
going to play a video that is about 17 minutes long for me to watch. It’s a video about radiation therapy; she
hits play and leaves me alone in the room.
I take some notes, but it’s all boring stuff and those of you reading this
blog are probably bored already, so I’ll spare those details. The funny thing is this video looks like it
was made in the eighties! The hair-do’s
and clothing are for sure from the eighties, but then towards the end, the acknowledgements
show it was filmed in Lincoln, Nebraska—who knows, maybe they still have
eighties hair and clothing there now- lol!
No offense Nebraska readers J If it is filmed from the eighties, I’m hoping
the medical information is at least updated—but it is strange to me to think
radiation therapy would not change in a couple decades—oh well. Highlights from the video are the following:
- Glad I don’t have cancer in the head or neck- holy crap! Those poor patients have to be placed in an “immobilization device” each time they receive radiation. It sounds simple, but what this entails is literally having something that looks like meshed syran wrap (or pantyhose-like material) placed over your FACE and head, conforming to your face and holding you to the machine. Essentially, you’re syran wrapped to the machine from your head! I’ve never considered myself a claustrophobic person, but for sure people with claustrophobia cannot have head or neck cancer, because I don’t think I could handle that without freaking out! Sheesh! Watching it on eighties TV had me tripping!
- There is such a thing as internal radiation therapy (which I won’t be having- Thank God again!). This makes you wonder what the hell?! How can this be good for anyone, much less someone with cancer? But I guess it kills the cancer, and deal with side effects later—has to be the theory. This consists of an implant that gives radiation therapy to the patient. Even the nurses are timed with how long they can be around you with a big machine separating their body from yours as they take assessments. You are shielded from all people, because you are dangerous to them, just by having this implant in you. Now, if people can’t even be around you, how the hell is this good for you having it in you 24/7- wow! You can only see your friends and family after the implant is removed—talk about depressing.
- Finally, the video ends with updates about the three cancer survivors featured in the video. This depressed me a bit, because the man in the video is seen enjoying his kid and family; the older lady is shown enjoying her spouse and life after; and the other older lady is shown enjoying her son. I felt a little left out—no single childless woman to be my inspiration! WTH? Ha!ha! It did make me sad. The common theme among these people was fighting for their children and or spouses, and surviving. I guess I’m fighting for my parents here. This cancer, I am sure, has devastated them far more than it has me. *sigh*
And finally, just to try to be
thorough if you have no idea what radiation therapy is. It involves high energy machines that give
out concentrated doses of radiation on a tumor site so that the cancer cells
lose its ability to reproduce, and they die.
The goal is to produce this lethal dose to the cancer and avoid as much
healthy tissue as possible. According to
this video (sense my skepticism), even if healthy tissue is dosed, supposedly
healthy tissue can rebuild and fight, but the cancer cells can’t. Sure. I
find it ironic that people avoid radiation exposure because of the possible
side effects, including cancer, yet here we are using it on cancer
patients. Just sayin… Things that make
you go hmmmm.
A male nurse comes in quickly and
takes my vitals (temperature, blood pressure etc.). As he was almost done, the doctor comes in
with the same nurse I had seen earlier.
The doctor is a character for sure.
I already know I like him. He
comes in talking loudly, “from the pacific islands. I grew up on a pacific island.” His name is Dr. Chen, and he also has an
accent, but not as heavy as Dr. Niu’s.
He’s a scrawny looking Chinese man (well, I clarified later he’s from
Taiwan. I’m not sure whether they also
classify themselves as Chinese or Taiwanese, any way, you get the picture. And I don’t mean scrawny to be offensive, he
just is). He’s a jolly doctor; you just
have to smile when you’re around him. We
talk first a lot about where I’m from and my ethnicity and moving around a lot. Then, he says he will leave and I can change
into my gown so I can be examined. I
forgot to mention initially after the video, I was happy thinking, I wasn’t
getting examined again today because I didn’t see a gown. I should have known better- after the 4th
exam, I think I need to start losing count.
I follow the nurse out and ask her for the gown, she says she will go
get one for me. She comes back with a
PINK gown this time, and it feels more cottony and soft. She hands it to me and says freshly
warmed. It was warm and again had that
smell of fresh clean sheets, which I love!
I make sure again, it should be open side to the front- lol! She confirms.
I undress from the waist up and sit on the exam table.
The doctor comes back with the nurse. He asks me about any other health issues I
might have and again mentions Lupus specifically. I freak out and tell him, no, and why do they
keep asking that. I say I don’t think I
have it, but I would know if I did, right?
He laughs and says yes, and calms me down. In my head, I’m thinking this must be a
Chinese doctor thing- wth? I tell him
Dr. Niu mentioned Lupus on Tuesday too, and that’s why I’m freaking out. He said he is asking for completely different
reason, and that he just needs to make sure, because radiation therapy would
need to be handled differently or I would not be able to have it if I did have
some immune system issues, or something like that. Anyway, he feels my boobs and also my lymph
nodes by my armpit. I’m not so nervous
this time, but he also wears latex gloves before feeling my armpits. No antiperspirant war today- lol! We discuss
that radiation therapy would most likely begin six weeks AFTER my surgery, and
my body needs to heal first. I let him
know I am still deciding between CTCA and Mayo, and my appointment with Mayo is
next week. He is the only doctor who
really tries to sell CTCA to me, but he is not obnoxious about it, and I
appreciated it. I told him my biggest
concern is CTCA not being in network, and although the financial person kept assuring me that I
would not be billed anything that being out of network would cost, I need to
think about my future after cancer, and finances are everything. I’m still pessimistic about the financial
guys sell. He had his nurse note it in
the computer that maybe since I’m a lawyer I can get it in writing. He also says he is friends with the CEO and
can talk to him about it if that’s the only thing in the end that would keep me
from choosing CTCA. I appreciate all his
efforts and let him know my boss also knows his CEO, and I will reach out after
my Mayo consult if I feel that is the only dealbreaker. He was more casual than I was expecting, but
a pleasant man. I enjoyed him and his
nurse. They totally took their time with
me even though I was a half hour late. I
was expecting them to rush me since it was my fault and he had other patients,
but I never felt rushed. The lateness
was completely my fault, and I would have understood if it was rushed, but
appreciate they made time for me and took their time as if I was on time. Get it?
Ha!ha! This is a point for CTCA.
After the consult, the nurse hands
me her card (I swear I have 50 CTCA cards!).
I tell her, I’ll add it to my collection I have going on, and thank God
their pictures are on their cards, because I would never be able to keep it
straight as to who was who if they didn’t do that. I liked her a lot; she is from Mankato Minnesota
originally. I like Minnesota people
(college friends stop laughing). It’s
true! Lol! Well, except for the ones who think I’m a shoplifter and strip
search me because I’m brown and have a credit card (oh ya, credit card thief
too) and my black drivers are car thieves and drug dealers so we get pulled
over every time- And all minorities must be at our school on some scholarship,
because we must be poor (even though I was on a full scholarship) ha!ha! just
sayin… Those were the few exceptions. I
had encountered many many more beautiful giving and loving people there
too. Sorry, I digress.
I leave the radiation section and I’m
starving, so I decided to grab lunch quick in the cafeteria. This opened the door for a whole other crappy
conversation or non-conversation later that day. They had chicken or veal, and I wasn’t sure
what to have. I asked the cook, and she
said immediately, without hesitation- the veal was delicious and recommended
that. I must admit, I felt bad having
veal for all the animal rights people—I did
think about it first. I was surprised
they even served it, because they are completely organic, local and free range
meats and vegetables. I guess animal
cruelty doesn’t have an effect on cancer health physically the way antibiotics,
growth hormones, and caged chickens do. This
is about people’s health and cancer and not PETA. I honestly thought about it, but got it
anyway. I added asparagus and cornbread
on the side. I was super excited and
stoked that it only cost me $1.69! Yes,
that deserves to be spelled out, one dollar and sixty-nine cents! The power of being a cancer patient! Lol! CHEAPEST. MEAL. EVER.
Cheaper than the snapper the other day too! I attached a picture to show you how much
food this was. It was incredible. As soon as I was done, I drove back to the
office, changed my tattoo showing pink shirt to a tattoo hiding striped blue
shirt and began to work. I was dying for
coffee (which apparently I read later somewhere, too much caffeine is not good
for cancer, but strangely enough, since my diagnosis, I’ve made it a point to
have coffee everyday now! Oh well.). On
my way to Starbucks to get coffee later, I wanted to brag about my meal being
only $1.69, so I tell a couple friends.
I begin telling them my lunch was amazing. I say I had veal, and before I could even get
to the best part that it was only $1.69—I’m cut off IMMEDIATELY and given the
look of death—of complete horror, repulsion, and disgust- pure judgment given
upon me with the words, “You had veal!?”
OMG! I shut down immediately. I
wanted to say, “Yes, and I ALSO HAVE CANCER!” lol! But as I learned earlier
that day, the cancer card doesn’t work all the time (lateness and now eating
veal). Lol! OMG! Someone shoot me, my happy story has suddenly taken a
depressing 180 degree turn to pure guilt and shame. She continues, “Isn’t that baby lamb?!” still
with the look of disgust on her face. I’m
a little relieved that she doesn’t even know what it is. I correct her saying baby cow, and that’s
it. If she’s disgusted with me for
eating a baby cow, she would probably end the friendship if she knew the extent
of why animal rights people are bazerko over veal. Veal is not only baby cow, but they keep the
poor baby caged so its meat stays tender, which is why animal rights people
hate it. I didn’t elaborate or tell her
all that. I figure she hated me enough
already. I could have been a smart ass
and pulled the cancer card, but that didn’t work, because she KNOWS already I
have cancer- it was a meal at CTCA for heaven’s sake, and she was one of the
first to know my diagnosis. I also could’ve
been a smartass and said at least the cow was able to be born, can’t say the
same about the baby chick you deprived each time you have an egg. Just sayin… C’mon people LAUGH with me. Sheesh!
Definitely RUINED my good mood and cheap ass proudness of spending only
$1.69 on lunch. I tried to throw in how
cheap it was but I was blocked out and shut down—there was no joy anymore. Let us have a moment of silence now for all
the calves who are now veal…. Amen.
Mood now low, and day almost over... But something happy happens. I received a delivery of bright cheery sugar
cookies from a pro bono client who was appreciative for the work I did on her
case. These are expensive cookies and
apparently well known. I’m sure I’ve
never heard of them precisely because they are expensive- lol! I’m simple like
that J I’ve attached a photo to make this blog a
little more exciting and so you can share in my enjoyment! I ate one, and I delivered the rest to my
cousin for her kids after work. Too much
sugar for me. Definitely pretty and
cheerful, but I was not impressed with the taste. Maybe it’s because I hardly ever eat sugar now,
or because I don’t like sour cream- they were sour cream sugar cookies- not
appealing to my palate- lol!. They
weighed a ton. They’re better to look at
than to eat, but are still completely appreciated. They made my day happy J
I thought today’s appointment was
productive and important. I like the
radiologist very much, and I needed to meet him so I can be fair in my final
decision about where I receive treatment.
The lessons I learned also more important. I can’t pull the cancer card all the time
(shucks!). Time waits for nobody, and if
I’m late, it’s my own damn fault; so as the song goes in the movie Sister Act,
I need to “Wake up and pay attention!” I’m
trying, but it’s harder than I expected it to be…. *sigh*
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